still breathing
still breathing
stillbirth, still breathing, and learning to live again one breath at a time.

 

Stillbirth
Breaking
Moving Forward
Moving Forward
Unreconciled Emotions
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Walls
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Give Me A Song to Sing

In that moment, I decided that maybe I could open myself up again by opening my mouth to lift a song. Attending mass was completely painful anyway, so why not sing with my husband and lead worship to offer as a distraction?  Little did I know how much this decision would change things for me.

At that first mass, in that first song of true and profound prayer (because I didn’t even know how to pray anymore), I felt her, and I felt heaven, and I had a vision of her eternity of praising God the Father, endlessly.  And it kept me going. Week by week.

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Collecting Petals
Rescue

 “I will send out an army to find you in the middle of the darkest night...

I will never stop marchin’ to reach you in the middle of the hardest fight...

I hear you whisper underneath your breath. I hear you whisper you have nothing left...

It’s true, I will rescue you...”

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Mending

 “The friendship which can cease has never been real.”  (St. Jerome)

Speak to Me

How much longer will I be able to keep this up?  How much more will be asked of me?  I miss her. I miss her so much. And I cry out to my God who gave and took: Speak to me!  Speak to me.  Because at your command, these waters can be stilled. Your voice can calm the waters raging within (“the sea in me”).

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Inferno
 
 

Wife.  Educator.  Mother.  Friend.  

My life was forever changed May 2017 after experiencing the stillbirth of our fifth child--born perfect, silent, loved--two weeks before her due date.  I'm learning to live with life after loss, navigate through the all consuming waters of grief, and find hope, meaning, and perhaps glimpses of joy in a "new normal" shadowed by shame and disbelief.
I have started this blog as an avenue to process my emotions while living in the midst of this unknown.  My hope is that other mothers who also live with this disconcerting reality may find comfort and healing through the journey back to wholeness.
 
 
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