Words

A few words. It doesn’t take much.

A sarcastic comment meant to be lighthearted, but becoming hurtful, instead.

A gut punch, knocking the wind out of you right when you started feeling like you might be brave enough to jump back into life.  

Then a blow, and the rest of your day is ruined, leaving you to swallow back your tears until everyone is in bed.  

A joke about the number of children you have as you arrive at a social event. Your living children (yes, five of them) cascade out of your vehicle... 

“How many children do you have?  Twelve?  It looked like a clown car.” 

Words which came from someone I would have considered a friend. Someone who is more than an acquaintance.  Whose children I taught, raised children with, and whose oldest baby sat mine. Someone who hugged me when I walked up.  

I’m thankful I didn’t hear these words. My husband shared them with me when we got home.  

Because these words broke me, and pulled me back into reality. Shock. Hurt. Enraged.  

And just like that, I’m sad all over again. So deeply sad.  I’m in a tunnel. A hole. A pit. I can’t get out of the darkness swallowing me.  The pain and the hurt is rising to the surface again like day one.

It’s taking everything in me to extend grace to this person. Did they forget?  Are they clueless?  If I would have been asked that sarcastic asinine remark, I wouldn’t have been able to be silent. I would have reminded  them that there should be one more getting out. I would have reminded them that she couldn’t come today, because she is buried down the road. And I probably would have left. 

Tonight, I’m left spiraling and wallowing. My aspirations to live presently have dissipated. The want to be brave. To dare to let people in. To be vulnerable. To try to be normal and spend time with people who don’t know loss in my measure.

People suck. People can be assholes. People are so insensitive.  They don’t realize the weight of their words and what that can do to someone.  They have moved on, and I am stuck.

Even though you don’t see her, she is always within me. Six. I have six children.  Think before your speak.