Unreconciled Emotions

Less than two weeks. I’m at the count down just like I was two years ago. But this count down is different. This time, I know what’s coming.  But even though I know it’s coming, I still can’t stop it. Or control it. Or prevent it. Just like I couldn’t stop the final outcome....my body was going to push her lifeless body out. Ready or not.

The anniversary of her death is rapidly approaching, and as it draws nearer, I am spiraling. Unraveling.  Everything is a trigger. Smells. Sights. Sounds. EVERYTHING AROUND ME.  I can’t find a safe space. 

I’m experiencing uncharted waters of grief as new memories rise to the surface, pulling me under.  I’m practically drowning in them. I can’t even come up for air.  Their intensity thrashes me about, and I forgot how to swim.  How to survive.  How to find the shore.  I’m sinking.

Therefore, I want to push everyone and every positive and good emotion away, because everything hurts right now. It is all ripped raw. My emotions and anger are OUTRAGEOUS.  I am literally RAGING OUT, leaving behind me a destructive path of rubble.  

I project my hurt to others, not even really feeling all that remorseful about it. Maybe I do feel somewhat sad about my actions, but I’m not even humbling myself to acknowledge it. My hurt is too deep. My heart too broken.  My pain too raw. 

Each day I wake up, get out of bed, put another step forward...just for it to be another day, another breath, another moment closer to the day of her death. And I feel nothing but pain and anger and complete and utter disbelief and a deep overtaking sorrow.  What is there to look forward to?  

I feel all of the ugly emotions again as my mind vividly relives the memories and sensations, and I just want to wish it all away away. I hope and wonder that if, perhaps, I clench my eyes tightly enough, they just might actually disappear and leave my mind forever.  How can I snap out of this? 

The light of joy that was beginning to surface with the hope of resurrection is being overtaken by this darkness.  The night is swallowing me whole.  Memories and triggers are consuming me.  I’m finding it impossible to live in the present.  My body won’t let me.  I am a prisoner to the trauma, and I am completely aching within.  To my core.  

When will this pain end?  

Surely not today. Not even tomorrow. And absolutely not in 11 days.

Probably not even in this life. 

My emotions and memories...they remain unreconciled, and I can’t escape them.  So I guess I just allow them to wash over.  To feel them.  To remember them, and to endure them...until I make peace with them and find peace within myself, realizing...there is no escaping them.