A Flicker

 “From the little spark may burst a mighty flame.”  (Dante)

Today, I feel a flicker of light within me.  It’s burning and brimming in a dark place hidden in the depths of my soul. And it’s begging to burn out of control into an all consuming fire.     It wants to be seen. To be recognized. To be validated. For it’s presence to be allowed to shine out of me and onto my surroundings. Its a flicker of joy. 

JOY.  How can this be?  How surprising. I didn’t expect it.  Or anticipate it. I wasn’t looking for it. Yet, here it is. A welcomed guest attempting to make its dwelling within this broken shell of a woman.  A mother. A daughter. A wife. A Sister.  A friend.

I woke up this morning with excitement. I haven’t felt excitement in six months. An excitement that is propelling me forward and making me hopeful about the future.  

Currently, my husband and I are headed away for a weekend beach trip.  This Sunday, it will make thirteen years since we promised  “to be true in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, and to love one another all the days of our life.”  We have left our four little’s back home to reflect, renew, and rejuvenate this marriage, which has been so deeply wounded by the loss of our fifth child. The most comminication we’ve had over the past six months has been during counseling sessions or rehashing the memories we can’t believe have been implanted in our minds.

But this weekend, we choose US.  And I’m reminded...that’s where it all started.  Without this union, babies 1...2...3...4...5...and now 6, would have never existed.  

A year ago, we celebrated our anniversary in New York City with our little girl growing within my womb. I was 12 weeks pregnant.  A year later, she’s not physically here with us.  We could have never imagined that this would be our reality. Yet, here we are. And in this anniversary, we are growing another baby at 15 weeks along.  What a gift to have conceived six children in a love of beauty and brokenness.  I can honestly say, for that, I am SO thankful.

Yesterday we found out that there is a little baby boy growing inside of me.  A BOY!  My heart needed him.  I was so convinced our sweet girl was a boy.  So I’ve been looking for him. Waiting for him. Wondering if and when he would ever arrive.  And here he is...his life, his soul, manifesting within mine. My body his home for the time being. Each day with him a gift for me to love him and hope for him, knowing he most likely wouldn’t be here had our world not fallen to pieces around us 6 months ago.

And so there is joy. Joy in this boy.  Joy in this pregnancy. Joy in this marriage. Joy in this weekend. Joy in the upcoming holiday of Thanksgiving.  Joy in a “hope for a future.”  Joy in the fact that my little girl, his big sister, is with us on this trip, too...in our hearts forever. Watching us from heaven. Praying for us, and praying for him, as she experiences JOY in all   it’s FULLNESS.

I’m hoping this flicker becomes a flame. A flame that sets me, our marriage, our family on fire...and reignites all that has died within me.

 “Set a fire down in my soul that I can’t contain, that I can’t control...” (Will Reagan)