Bereaved Mother — stillbirth

Beauty From Ashes

Six months. Today, we celebrate six months of life. It’s your little brother’s half birthday. As I type this, he’s cuddled close to me, sucking on his pacifier, while his softie is nestled into his neck and lullabies lull him to sleep. It’s beautiful. But it stings. It’s bittersweet... I’m overcome with love for him and the joy he brings me to the point that I’m overwhelmed and brought to tears. His breaths fall heavily on my arm, while you remained so still. His little life, in my arms, because your life slipped through my hands. Death literally passed through me, so a new life could be planted. Could grow. Could resurrect from the darkness and bring to fruition a redemption I had not thought possible. There’s so much guilt. But there’s so much love. And grief, it still remains.

Pregnancy after loss, Trauma, Stillbirth, Stillbirth Survivor, Bereaved Mother, Say their name, control, Love, Searching, Stillborn, Capture your grief, Missing, PTSD, Life after loss, griefEmma JamesOctober 17, 2018blessing, grievingfather, stilbirthawareness, scars, realtalk, bereavedmother, infantloss, pregnancyafterloss, Love letter, longingheart, waiting, Finding beauty, wounded, 6months, infantlosssuppprt, resurrection, trauma, stillbirthsurvivor, childloss, sixmonths, healingafterloss, fearfactor, grief, healing, newnormal, achingheart, suffering, Capture your grief, grace, stillbirth, shame, ptsd, trust, stillgrieving, stillbreathing, stillbirthmatters, newblogpost, 1in160, newbeginnings, grieving, hope, infantlossawareness, alwayssearching, saytheirname, longing, consolation, exhausted, alwayslovingyou, his perspective, thankful, Pregnancy after loss, losingcontrol, missingyou, Wisdom, foreverloved, grievingmother, stillborn, 2017, childlossawareness, nothingispermanent, Purpose, newpost, newsong, Anniversary, dadgrief, 38weeks, chosen, lifeafterlossblog, sorrow, reallove, grievingfamily, alwaysloved, Bereaved Mother, love, postpartum, captureyourgrief2018, lifeafterlossblogger, purpose, ptsdrecovery, loving, stillbirthbreakthesilence, parentingafterloss, loveletter, woundsheal, Trust, Today, heavenmeetsearth, survivor, control, fear, notoverit, yourname, 1in4, alwaysmissingyou, babygirl, beloved, newlife, newbabyboy, stillbornbutstillloved, Stillbirth, forevermissed, may, Remembering, loss, gratitude, stillbirthblogger, memories, lovingyou, lament, stilborn, stillbirthsupport, transformation, weary, lifeafterloss, fighter, peace, dreamingofyou, surrender, nofearinlove, findingbeauty, dadsgrievetoo, findingyou, 6kids, anxiety, alwaysfindingyou, captureyourgrief, anniversaryComment

Sunrise

The joy that stirred me awake this morning shocked me. Excitement over this adventure? Excitement of greeting the sun? Excitement for today’s feast? Even your sister remarked about the beauty of today’s sunrise. “It looks like heaven,” she said. Yes. Indeed. I thought the same. Heaven...where you are. Heaven...where we will see you again. Heaven...where you celebrate today on this feast of St. Therese. Even the sky splashed your colors...orange, yellow, and pink. Beautifully and delicately arrayed like you. This morning the sun welcomed me into a new day, it left behind the tears of yesterday, and it stirred me on to start anew. To find beauty and love in big ways and small in the midst of the bittersweet reality of today’s anniversary. Even though the darkness finds me...the light does, too.

Sunrise, Capture your grief, Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, Life after lossEmma JamesOctober 1, 2018Capture your grief, lifeafterloss, Stillbirth, Sunrise, Bereaved MotherComment

Finding You

I shut my eyes in hopes of dreaming of you. Of finding you. Of you finding me.

I see you in my mind’s eye, and I speak your name on my heart. It rests on my tongue in a quiet sigh. No sound comes out. It’s stifled. Unreleased.

I wrap my arms around my shoulders, clenching myself tightly. I envision the weight of your small body against mine. Leaning into me. Pressing against me. Delicate arms wrapped tightly around me with your tiny jaw embedded into the nape of my neck.

In the bed. Holding you. Holding me. I need you to hold me.

I miss you so much.

Stillbirth, control, grief, Stillbirth Survivor, Searching, Losing control, Stillborn, Love, Bereaved Mother, PTSD, Life after loss, MissingEmma JamesAugust 11, 2018grievingfamily, stillbirthmatters, lifeafterloss, life, stillbirthsupport, stillbirthblogger, parentingafterloss, grievingmother, stillbreathing, nofearinlove, suffering, longingheart, trauma, healing, bereavedmother, findingyou, transformation, stillbirthawareness, stillbirthsurvivor, newblogpost, sorrow, weary, childloss, stillbirthbreakthesilence, losingcontrol, trust, wounded, surrender, infantlossawareness, control, grievingfather, postpartum, thrive, newnormal, grieving, newlife, lovingyou, dreamingofyou, newpost, achingheart, Bereaved Mother, alwaysmissingyou, lament, heavenmeetsearth, infantloss, scars, ptsd, loss, forevermissed, infantlosssuppprt, wounds, foreverloved, controlling, stillbirth, lifeafterlossblogger, Stillbirth, waiting, longing, stillborn, Exhausted, loving, postpartumdepression, childlossawareness, newbeginnings, stillgrieving, missingyou, stillbornbutstillloved, love, grief, lifeafterlossblog, exhausted, woundshealComment

This is Us

Life after loss, Trauma, Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, Shame, Stillbirth Survivor, abuse, Love, PTSD, Losing control, grief, StillbornEmma JamesJuly 12, 2018outofcontrol, stillbornbutstillloved, anger, lifeafterloss, grieving, longing, suffering, newpost, stillbirthsupport, anxiety, achingheart, losingcontrol, love, Postpartum, longingheart, loving, grievingmother, lifeafterlossblog, exhausted, shame, abusesurvivor, infantlosssuppprt, fighter, lifeafterlossblogger, Exhausted, scars, weary, stillbirth, nothingispermanent, stillbirthbreakthesilence, lament, wounds, Stillbirth, confusion, parentingafterloss, abuse, ptsdrecovery, grievingfamily, wounded, loss, stillbitter, stillbirthsurvivor, stillbirthmatters, dadsgrievetoo, stillborn, stillbreathing, grievingfather, postpartum, childloss, lovingyou, newblogpost, grief, marriage, infantloss, stillbornawareness, bereavedmother, waiting, stillgrieving, infantlossawareness, trauma, Bereaved Mother, stillbirthawareness, stillbornstillloved, stillbirthbloggerComment

Thoughts

There’s a deep ache in me that permeates every fiber of my being. A longing. A stillness. A quiet. It’s incomplete and completely painful. It swallows me whole and consumes my existence. It’s presses hard and captures me. I’m suffocating.

control, Life after loss, Trauma, Stillbirth Survivor, grief, Missing, PTSD, Bereaved Mother, Stillborn, Losing control, StillbirthEmma JamesJuly 5, 2018love, lovingyou, postpartum, memories, Stillbirth, achingheart, weary, childloss, longingheart, stillbirthblogger, newblogpost, anxiety, loving, stillborn, ptsdrecovery, lifeafterloss, foreverloved, beloved, stillbreathing, may, stillbirth, stillbirthsupport, grief, stillbirthsurvivor, missingyou, confusion, trauma, stillbirthbreakthesilence, anger, shame, control, stillbirthawareness, lifeafterlossblog, outofcontrol, exhausted, trust, woundsheal, waiting, dreamingofyou, stillbornstillloved, suffering, findingyou, sorrow, bereavedmother, stillbirthmatters, stillbornawareness, surrender, stillbornbutstillloved, fear, parentingafterloss, grievingmother, infantlossawareness, lament, wounded, scars, Anger, grieving, Anxiety, Exhausted, stillgrieving, angry, infantloss, forevermissed, wounds, stilbirthawareness, Postpartum, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbornstilloved, loss, stillbitter, infantlosssuppprt, Bereaved Mother, alwaysmissingyouComment

Assumptions

I guess I just don’t want people to assume that I am okay, that my husband is okay, that we are okay, or that our family is OKAY. Or to assume that a smile on my face means that I am “better.” That because I hold a babe in my arms, I am over not holding her. That because it’s been a year, life is back to “normal.” We are not fully functioning. We are just trying to make it through another day. Just as pregnancy after loss was unbearably brutal, parenting after loss has been a beast of its own. I look around and see all the ways our lives have unraveled over the past thirteen months. Life still seems so out of control.

grief, PTSD, control, Stillbirth, Trauma, Stillborn, Bereaved Mother, Shame, Life after loss, Stillbirth Survivor, Losing control, MissingEmma JamesJune 19, 2018weary, grieving, longingheart, stillbirthmatters, dadsgrievetoo, stillgrieving, waiting, findingyou, beloved, grievingmother, grief, Bereaved Mother, nothingispermanent, Postpartum, newbegginings, oneyearanniversary, forevermissed, lifeafterlossblog, stillbornbutstillloved, newlife, wounds, control, newblogpost, newbabyboy, stillbirthbreakthesilence, infantlossawareness, newpost, stillbirthsupport, memories, stillbirthsurvivor, anxiety, love, missingyou, ptsdrecovery, surrender, achingheart, survivor, Stillbirth, parentingafterloss, Exhausted, stillbornawareness, thankful, grievingfather, running, woundsheal, healing, lifeafterlossblogger, foreverloved, stillbirthawareness, stillbirth, stillborn, lifeafterloss, infantloss, loving, trauma, wounded, stillbornstillloved, dadgrief, outofcontrol, lovingyou, suffering, trust, loss, grievingfamily, stillbirthblogger, hope, sorrow, infantlosssuppprt, Anger, alwaysmissingyou, stillbitter, bereavedmother, lament, fighterComment

Escape

Right now, I just need an escape.

An escape from this thing called life after loss; from this gray area of waiting.

Waiting for the pain to soften, for the memories to not break me in two, for the heaviness to lift.

I want a break.

Missing, PTSD, Trauma, Stillbirth, Life after loss, grief, Bereaved Mother, Losing control, Stillbirth SurvivorEmma JamesJune 15, 2018stillbirthawareness, Exhausted, Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, stillbirthblogger, grief, stillbirthbreakthesilence, parentingafterlossComment

Always Missing

After all, I am trying to mother a child who is always missing...that in itself is exhausting and overwhelming and will be part of me forever.

Life after loss, Missing, Shame, Trauma, Bereaved Mother, Losing control, Searching, Stillborn, grief, Stillbirth Survivor, control, StillbirthEmma JamesJune 7, 2018wounded, missingyou, newbeginnings, infantlosssuppprt, Anniversary, stillbirthmatters, stillbornstillloved, Bereaved Mother, healing, anniversary, parentingafterloss, stillbirth, Stillbirth, love, time, Postpartum, longingheart, oneyearanniversary, ptsdrecovery, forevermissed, stillbirthsupport, stillbornbutstillloved, angry, lifeafterlossblog, stillbirthblogger, infantloss, One year, newpost, stillbirthbreakthesilence, grievingmother, loss, foreverloved, lifeafterlossblogger, bereavedmother, postpartum, newblogpost, findingyou, survivor, lament, waiting, newbabyboy, sorrow, scars, achingheart, grief, lifeafterloss, grieving, stillbirthsurvivor, trust, trauma, stillbirthawareness, weary, infantlossawareness, suffering, stillbornComment

A Year in Words

“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” (Rose Kennedy)

Waking With the Dawn

Where are you, my love? I cannot find you. Cannot feel you. You have left me. You are gone. Your life, departed from mine. A year ago yesterday, we had one another. One last day. Together.

PTSD, Losing control, grief, Life after loss, Searching, Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, Trauma, Love, StillbornEmma JamesMay 22, 2018grief, Stillbirth, longingheart, New dawn, One year, Bereaved Mother, SunriseComment