Posts in abuse
Rescue

 “I will send out an army to find you in the middle of the darkest night...

I will never stop marchin’ to reach you in the middle of the hardest fight...

I hear you whisper underneath your breath. I hear you whisper you have nothing left...

It’s true, I will rescue you...”

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Stillborn, Chaos, abuse, Missing, Life after loss, control, Shame, Searching, Trauma, Love, Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, Losing control, Anger, griefEmma JamesExhausted, lifeafterloss, Grief, StruggleComment
Transformed
Transformed

Who am I now?  How has this experience changed me?  I hesitate to even call it an experience. It was and is so much more than that.  It was stillbirth.  It was losing a child. It is loss.  And it is grief.  But nonetheless, I am different.

Transformed, however, makes it seem as though I have come to the end of this difficult road. I am ever evolving. Ever changing. In each day, each moment, in each breath...I am transforming.

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Missing, Bereaved Mother, Losing control, control, Life after loss, PTSD, Shame, Pregnancy after loss, Stillborn, grief, Searching, abuse, Stillbirth, Trauma, Capture your grief, Love, Say their name, Stillbirth SurvivorEmma JamesStillbirth, transformation, Capture your grief Comment
Healing

Healing has been a process of surrendering, remembering, and waiting. It has been allowing the emotions and the memories to surface.  It has been going through the pain and not stuffing it away. It has been allowing the gaping wounds to be exposed to the light.  It has been counseling, and writing, and graveside visits. It has been nights of endless tears and crying to the point of vomiting and being unable to breathe.  It has been going through your memory box and looking at your pictures.  Meeting others in their suffering and talking about real and hard things.  It has been allowing others to love me and admitting that I can’t do it all.  It has been an attempt to trust, and getting let down—but trying again anyway.  It has been acknowledging my pain, giving it a name, and being okay with who I am now.  It has been accepting what life after loss looks like, moving one step forward, one day at a time.  And it has also been taking steps backward.  It has been losing relationships, losing friends, and letting go of the expectations I place on myself and others.

Healing has been allowing the old wound to touch this new wound.  It has been waiting in joyful hope.

And healing will come because you existed.

Healing will come, because of you.

My healing baby.

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abuse, grief, Life after loss, Stillbirth, Capture your grief, control, Bereaved Mother, Pregnancy after loss, Trauma, MissingEmma Jamescaptureyourgrief2018, Stillbirth, healing, healingafterlossComment
This is Us
This is Us
Life after loss, Trauma, Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, Shame, Stillbirth Survivor, abuse, Love, PTSD, Losing control, grief, StillbornEmma Jamesoutofcontrol, stillbornbutstillloved, anger, lifeafterloss, grieving, longing, suffering, newpost, stillbirthsupport, anxiety, achingheart, losingcontrol, love, Postpartum, longingheart, loving, grievingmother, lifeafterlossblog, exhausted, shame, abusesurvivor, infantlosssuppprt, fighter, lifeafterlossblogger, Exhausted, scars, weary, stillbirth, nothingispermanent, stillbirthbreakthesilence, lament, wounds, Stillbirth, confusion, parentingafterloss, abuse, ptsdrecovery, grievingfamily, wounded, loss, stillbitter, stillbirthsurvivor, stillbirthmatters, dadsgrievetoo, stillborn, stillbreathing, grievingfather, postpartum, childloss, lovingyou, newblogpost, grief, marriage, infantloss, stillbornawareness, bereavedmother, waiting, stillgrieving, infantlossawareness, trauma, Bereaved Mother, stillbirthawareness, stillbornstillloved, stillbirthbloggerComment
The Secret Place
The Secret Place

You know me inside out. You know what I can’t comprehend or articulate.You know me. Let me know who I am. Let me know you. 

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Shame, abuse, Losing control, Bereaved Mother, Trauma, grief, PTSD, Stillbirth, Pregnancy after loss, controlEmma Jamesgrieving, stillbirthblogger, stillbirthsupport, lament, achingheart, newpost, stillbirthsurvivor, stillbornbutstillloved, lifeafterlossblog, wounded, newblogpost, surrender, running, grievingmother, losingcontrol, anxiety, Trust, stillbirth, waiting, trauma, woundsheal, stillbirthbreakthesilence, weary, survivor, trust, bereavedmother, outofcontrol, scars, lifeafterloss, pregnancyafterloss, shame, ptsdrecovery, fear, lifeafterlossblogger, grief, stillbirthawareness, stillbirthmatters, abusesurvivor, suffering Comment
Feeling vs. Wanting
Feeling vs. Wanting

“O soul, steeped in darkness, do not despair. All is not yet lost.  Come and confide in your God, Who is Love and Mercy.”  (St. Faustina) 

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control, Trauma, Shame, Bereaved Mother, Losing control, Stillbirth, abuse, grief, Pregnancy after loss, PTSDEmma Jamesabusesurvivor, stillbirthblogger, weary, wounded, change, bereavedmother, stillbirthsurvivor, loss, abuse, losingcontrol, outofcontrol, scars, achingheart, grief, stillbornbutstillloved, woundsheal, suffering, stillbirthsupport, grieving, fearfactor, survivor, surrender, controlling, newblogpost, stillbirth, running, pregnancyafterloss, newpost, anxiety, lifeafterlossblog, fear, ptsdrecovery, shame, waiting, grievingmother, healing, lament, lifeafterlossblogger, trust, stillbirthmatters, stillbirthawareness, trauma, stillbirthbreakthesilence, Trust, lifeafterlossComment
Litany of Trust
Litany of Trust

From refusals and reluctances in accepting your will...

From anxiety about the future...

From resentment or excessive preoccupation with the past...

From restless self-seeking in the present moment...

From the fear of being asked to give more than I have...

From the fear of what Love demands...

Deliver me, Jesus.

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Bereaved Mother, Trauma, Stillbirth, Pregnancy after loss, grief, abuse, controlEmma Jamesconsolation, lifeafterlossblog, fighter, wounded, surrender, hope, stillbirthawareness, scars, survivor, stillbirthsurvivor, pregnancyafterloss, stillbornbutstillloved, infantlossawareness, achingheart, abusesurvivor, loss, stillbirthmatters, newsong, newblogpost, newpost, beloved, lifeafterloss, grieving, infantloss, infantlosssuppprt, Trust, healing, stillbirthsupport, suffering, ptsdrecovery, stillbirth, stillbirthswareness, newbeginnings, stillbirthblogger, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbirthbreakthesilence, life, bereavedmother, grief, transformation, trauma, woundshealComment
New Song
New Song

I am learning who I am.  And who I am is new.  And who I am needs change.  Who I am needs “a new song.” 

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abuse, Stillbirth, PTSD, grief, Trauma, control, Losing control, Pregnancy after loss, Bereaved MotherEmma Jameslifeafterlossblog, scars, trauma, bereavedmother, pregnancyafterloss, stillbirthsupport, fear, grieving, achingheart, stillbirthswareness, stillbirthbreakthesilence, newblogpost, stillbirthmatters, infantloss, stillbirthsurvivor, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbornbutstillloved, abusesurvivor, ptsdrecovery, outofcontrol, healing, newpost, love, lifeafterloss, controlling, woundsheal, losingcontrol, loss, infantlossawareness, surrender, stillbirthblogger, stillbirth, shame, survivor, fighter, wounded, abuse, lament, grief, infantlosssuppprt, hope, stillbirthawareness, stillborn, sufferingComment
A Dwelling Place
A Dwelling Place

I went to the chapel one night, in the throes of my grief.  Visceral memories of her delivery and remembering how I let God into the pain that day entered into my mind and heart.  I felt the pain again.  All of it.  Physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional. 

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Stillbirth, grief, abuse, Bereaved Mother, Pregnancy after loss, control, ShameEmma Jamesfear, thankful, surrender, stillbirth, lifeafterloss, trauma, lifeafterlossblog, controlling, loss, running, grief, hope, survivor, healing, bereavedmother, anniversary, pregnancyafterloss, lifeafterlossblogger, gratitude, shame, suffering, newblogpost, achingheart, transformationComment