Posts tagged pregnancyafterloss
Beauty From Ashes

Six months. Today, we celebrate six months of life. It’s your little brother’s half birthday. As I type this, he’s cuddled close to me, sucking on his pacifier, while his softie is nestled into his neck and lullabies lull him to sleep.  It’s beautiful. But it stings. It’s bittersweet...  I’m overcome with love for him and the joy he brings me to the point that I’m overwhelmed and brought to tears.  His breaths fall heavily on my arm, while you remained so still.  His little life, in my arms, because your life slipped through my hands.  Death literally passed through me, so a new life could be planted. Could grow. Could resurrect from the darkness and bring to fruition a redemption I had not thought possible.  There’s so much guilt.  But there’s so much love.  And grief, it still remains.

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Pregnancy after loss, Trauma, Stillbirth, Stillbirth Survivor, Bereaved Mother, Say their name, control, Love, Searching, Stillborn, Capture your grief, Missing, PTSD, Life after loss, griefEmma Jamesblessing, grievingfather, stilbirthawareness, scars, realtalk, bereavedmother, infantloss, pregnancyafterloss, Love letter, longingheart, waiting, Finding beauty, wounded, 6months, infantlosssuppprt, resurrection, trauma, stillbirthsurvivor, childloss, sixmonths, healingafterloss, fearfactor, grief, healing, newnormal, achingheart, suffering, Capture your grief, grace, stillbirth, shame, ptsd, trust, stillgrieving, stillbreathing, stillbirthmatters, newblogpost, 1in160, newbeginnings, grieving, hope, infantlossawareness, alwayssearching, saytheirname, longing, consolation, exhausted, alwayslovingyou, his perspective, thankful, Pregnancy after loss, losingcontrol, missingyou, Wisdom, foreverloved, grievingmother, stillborn, 2017, childlossawareness, nothingispermanent, Purpose, newpost, newsong, Anniversary, dadgrief, 38weeks, chosen, lifeafterlossblog, sorrow, reallove, grievingfamily, alwaysloved, Bereaved Mother, love, postpartum, captureyourgrief2018, lifeafterlossblogger, purpose, ptsdrecovery, loving, stillbirthbreakthesilence, parentingafterloss, loveletter, woundsheal, Trust, Today, heavenmeetsearth, survivor, control, fear, notoverit, yourname, 1in4, alwaysmissingyou, babygirl, beloved, newlife, newbabyboy, stillbornbutstillloved, Stillbirth, forevermissed, may, Remembering, loss, gratitude, stillbirthblogger, memories, lovingyou, lament, stilborn, stillbirthsupport, transformation, weary, lifeafterloss, fighter, peace, dreamingofyou, surrender, nofearinlove, findingbeauty, dadsgrievetoo, findingyou, 6kids, anxiety, alwaysfindingyou, captureyourgrief, anniversaryComment
Your Month Arrived
Your Month Arrived

May is here. And May hurts.  Because May means you will be gone...forever...until we are reunited in heaven.

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Trauma, grief, Stillbirth Survivor, Love, Stillbirth, Stillborn, Life after loss, Bereaved Mother, PTSDEmma JamesPostpartum, sorrow, Anger, stillbirthblogger, stillbornstillloved, stillbirthmatters, lifeafterlossblog, Pregnancy after loss, stillbirthbreakthesilence, forevermissed, infantlossawareness, lifeafterloss, surrender, stillbirth, Trust, pregnancyloss, lifeafterlossblogger, newblogpost, stillbirthawareness, suffering, missingyou, trust, loss, postpartum, stillbornbutstillloved, lovingyou, love, weary, lament, achingheart, newlife, confusion, longingheart, trauma, anniversary, infantlosssuppprt, ptsdrecovery, transformation, grievingmother, outofcontrol, beloved, Stillbirth, scars, anxiety, wounded, dreamingofyou, woundsheal, grieving, losingcontrol, anger, life, findingyou, pregnancyafterloss, healing, loving, Explosions, stillborn, infantloss, grief, newpost, foreverloved, Anxiety, running, stillbirthsurvivor, bereavedmother, stillbirthsupportComment
Learning to Surrender
Learning to Surrender

Last night while nursing him, he gave a slight resemblance to you, and I remembered staring down at your face in the hospital room in such disbelief.  No matter how much I willed you to breathe or to move, no matter how much I begged God to change the outcome, I couldn’t change a thing.  I was completely powerless.

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Life after loss, PTSD, Bereaved Mother, Pregnancy after loss, Searching, grief, Stillbirth, Stillbirth Survivor, Love, Stillborn, Trauma, ShameEmma Jameswounded, hope, pregnancyafterloss, survivor, sorrow, newbegginings, woundsheal, foreverloved, postpartum, stillbirthsupport, loss, lifeafterloss, infantloss, lifeafterlossblogger, dreamingofyou, trust, trauma, transformation, stillbirthswareness, Stillbirth, longingheart, Postpartum, stillbirthawareness, suffering, lament, beloved, lovingyou, 38weeks, Pregnancy after loss, newblogpost, achingheart, surrender, stillbirthbreakthesilence, newlife, grief, bereavedmother, stillbornstillloved, newbabyboy, stillborn, lifeafterlossblog, anniversary, missingyou, grievingmother, stillbirthsurvivor, infantlosssuppprt, newpost, stillbirthblogger, confusion, grieving, forevermissed, findingyou, love, stillbornbutstillloved, loving, stillbirthmatters, 11months, stillbirth, healing, life, fear, infantlossawareness, scars, change, waiting, ptsdrecoveryComment
11 Months (Revisiting)
11 Months (Revisiting)

I’m a day late, my love. Yesterday, it was 11 months. How have we happened upon one month shy of a full year? 

I know I haven’t written in a while, but so much has been moving and churning within the depths of my heart. It’s almost been too much to articulate admidst the exhaustion of daily life, grief, and pregnancy after loss.  However, I think you know. You’ve witnessed it all.

Eleven months ago, my world came crashing down when I received the most unimaginable news of my life...your heart had stopped beating just two weeks shy of your expected due date.

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Stillborn, grief, Stillbirth, Stillbirth Survivor, Life after loss, Trauma, Pregnancy after loss, Love, Bereaved MotherEmma Jamessurvivor, transformation, stillbirth, newbeginnings, grieving, fighter, newpost, trust, pregnancyafterloss, thankful, reallove, Pregnancy after loss, stillbornbutstillloved, stillbornawareness, loving, stillbirthblogger, forevermissed, longingheart, peace, grievingmother, stillbirthsupport, beloved, hope, love, missingyou, surrender, stillbornstillloved, ptsdrecovery, infantloss, healing, stillbirthmatters, infantlossawareness, stillborn, Stillbirth, bereavedmother, lifeafterlossblogger, foreverloved, suffering, dreamingofyou, woundsheal, Trust, waiting, trauma, stillbirthawareness, newblogpost, loss, lifeafterlossblog, findingyou, stillbirthsurvivor, gratitude, anniversary, stillbirthbreakthesilence, resurrection, infantlosssuppprt, nofearinlove, lifeafterloss, stillbirthswareness, lovingyou, newlife, grief, achingheartComment
Dreaming
Dreaming

Sometimes I like to sit and dream.  I like to dream that I’m living in an alternate reality. I allow my imagination to run wild and replay events of everyday life, which have you in them.

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Love, Bereaved Mother, Searching, Stillbirth, grief, Stillborn, Life after loss, Pregnancy after loss, Stillbirth SurvivorEmma Jamesthankful, lifeafterlossblogger, reallove, infantlosssuppprt, stillbirthawareness, lifeafterloss, foreverloved, grievingmother, loss, stillbirth, Pregnancy after loss, healing, bereavedmother, newpost, stillborn, thanksgiving, stillbirthsupport, beloved, loving, achingheart, findingyou, stillbirthblogger, newblogpost, stillbirthmatters, stillbirthbreakthesilence, infantlossawareness, Trust, Stillbirth, grieving, forevermissed, stillbornawareness, suffering, lifeafterlossblog, pregnancyafterloss, stillbirthsurvivor, lovingyou, stillbornstillloved, transformation, grief, stillbornbutstillloved, love, hope, infantlossComment
Divided
Divided

That night, at mass, the message of surrender.  Giving it all to God.  Living with open hands.  Wanting God more than anything.  The story of Abraham, willing to sacrifice his son for love of God...I felt ashamed.  Because in the midst of all of this, if I had a choice, if I could go back in time, if I could write this story’s ending...I wouldn’t choose loss.  I wouldn’t choose your death.  I wouldn’t choose sacrifice, or this cross, or this grief.  I would choose to be your Mom this side of heaven.  The words of our pastor carved into me, and I thought I might bleed out, but I didn’t want to release my emotions. I swallowed them down hard and pretended to be unbothered.  I was convicted, but not convinced.  I was divided.

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grief, Trauma, Pregnancy after loss, Shame, Stillborn, Searching, control, Stillbirth, Losing control, Love, PTSD, Stillbirth Survivor, Bereaved Mother, Life after lossEmma Jamessorrow, weary, grief, stillbornstillloved, infantloss, anniversary, scars, running, anxiety, transformation, newpost, stillbornawareness, stillbirthsupport, stillbirthawareness, forevermissed, time, lifeafterlossblog, newblogpost, surrender, healing, 9monthanniversary, stillbirthbreakthesilence, wounds, shame, losingcontrol, gratitude, wounded, nofearinlove, prayer, grievingmother, survivor, achingheart, outofcontrol, foreverloved, stillborn, stillbirthsurvivor, woundsheal, stillbirthmatters, suffering, infantlosssuppprt, findingyou, loss, bereavedmother, stillbirth, tabernacle, love, confusion, trauma, infantlossawareness, lifeafterloss, hope, Trust, ptsdrecovery, grieving, waiting, stillbirthblogger, secretplace, stillbitter, lament, trust, fear, pregnancyafterloss, stillbornbutstillloved, lifeafterlossblogger, control, lovingyou, loving, thankful, changeComment
Parallel Lines
Parallel Lines

My heart knows that if it is truly God’s will, then I may indeed lose again.  And I’m struggling to live in a state of acceptance with that truth.  Because right now, I want what I want to be what He wants.  And I want to understand.  To see the bigger picture.  And how this journey ends. 

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Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, Trauma, Stillborn, Stillbirth Survivor, grief, Losing control, Life after loss, Pregnancy after loss, PTSDEmma Jameslove, surrender, stillbirth, infantlossawareness, grievingmother, stillbirthblogger, control, stillbornbutstillloved, achingheart, bereavedmother, waiting, woundsheal, beloved, lifeafterlossblog, survivor, stillbirthawareness, wounds, stillbirthmatters, infantloss, stillbirthbreakthesilence, loving, stillborn, stillbornstillloved, newlife, lifeafterloss, confusion, grieving, suffering, stillbirthsurvivor, reallove, anxiety, stillbornawareness, newpost, foreverloved, anniversary, forevermissed, newbeginnings, fear, Trust, lifeafterlossblogger, wounded, scars, loss, trauma, healing, infantlosssuppprt, newblogpost, shame, grief, pregnancyafterloss, transformation, trust, hope, outofcontrol, stillbirthsupportComment
No Fear in Love
No Fear in Love

I am learning that your love is molding me and shaping me into someone new.  That the old me is a discarded shell, and that’s simply okay.  I’m learning that loving you came with a cost, but I would never change it. 

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Stillbirth Survivor, Bereaved Mother, Losing control, Trauma, Stillbirth, Life after loss, grief, Love, PTSD, Stillborn, Searching, Pregnancy after lossEmma Jameswaiting, love, stillbirthblogger, wounded, stillbornawareness, ptsdrecovery, suffering, scars, stillbirthawareness, stillbirthmatters, infantloss, life, survivor, grievingmother, loss, findingyou, trust, sorrow, stillbornbutstillloved, lifeafterlossblog, stillbornstillloved, wounds, grief, newblogpost, transformation, surrender, bereavedmother, infantlosssuppprt, infantlossawareness, stillbirthsurvivor, woundsheal, pregnancyafterloss, beloved, stillborn, newpost, stillbirthbreakthesilence, lifeafterlossblogger, hope, grieving, forevermissed, stillbirthsupport, stillbirth, foreverloved, healing, lifeafterloss, traumaComment
Watching Life Unfold
Watching Life Unfold

How is it that you’ve been gone for as long as you were with me?  From 38 weeks of growing you, to 38 weeks of life without you.

Time looks so differently.

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Pregnancy after loss, Bereaved Mother, Stillbirth Survivor, PTSD, Stillbirth, grief, control, Stillborn, Life after loss, Searching, Losing control, TraumaEmma Jamesstillbirthmatters, infantlosssuppprt, stillbirthblogger, infantloss, confusion, running, stillbirth, fear, newpost, weary, stillborn, trust, stillbirthsupport, bereavedmother, loss, sorrow, lifeafterloss, Trust, losingcontrol, newblogpost, lifeafterlossblogger, lament, stillbornstillloved, anniversary, infantlossawareness, grief, surrender, hope, woundsheal, shame, lifeafterlossblog, stillbirthsurvivor, stillbirthawareness, grieving, outofcontrol, suffering, trauma, pregnancyafterloss, grievingmother, wounded, findingyou, love, achingheart, stillbornbutstillloved, stillbirthbreakthesilence, fighter, time, wounds, healingComment
My First Born
My First Born

How could I have ever imagined the journey that motherhood would take me?  11 years, 3 months, 13 days, and almost 12 hours later from that moment, I would be holding you.

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Bereaved Mother, Life after loss, Pregnancy after loss, Stillbirth, Trauma, grief, Stillbirth Survivor, StillbornEmma Jamesstillbirthsupport, stillbornbutstillloved, grief, lifeafterlossblog, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbirth, newblogpost, stillbirthawareness, infantlosssuppprt, infantloss, newpost, stillbirthsurvivor, stillbornawareness, wounded, bereavedmother, stillborn, infantlossawareness, pregnancyafterloss, stillbirthbreakthesilence, stillbirthmatters, suffering, stillbirthblogger, woundsheal, stillbornstillloved, grievingmother, wounds, lifeafterloss, waiting, grievingComment
Finding You
Finding You

When I stepped outside the front door this afternoon, I walked half way down the sidewalk, then turned around.  Do I really want to go? YES.  I do.  I knew I needed to find you.

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Life after loss, Stillbirth Survivor, Stillborn, Trauma, Stillbirth, grief, Pregnancy after loss, SearchingEmma Jamesgrieving, grief, infantloss, stillbirth, stillbirthsurvivor, infantlossawareness, stillbirthmatters, lifeafterlossblog, surrender, survivor, pregnancyafterloss, stillbornstillloved, time, stillbornawareness, infantlosssuppprt, waiting, stillbirthsupport, stillbornbutstillloved, lifeafterloss, grievingmother, suffering, healing, loss, wounded, stillbirthblogger, beloved, thankful, newlife, sorrow, woundsheal, stillborn, stillbirthawareness, wounds, bereavedmother, lifeafterlossblogger, hope, stillbirthbreakthesilence, newblogpostComment
The Secret Place
The Secret Place

You know me inside out. You know what I can’t comprehend or articulate.You know me. Let me know who I am. Let me know you. 

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Shame, abuse, Losing control, Bereaved Mother, Trauma, grief, PTSD, Stillbirth, Pregnancy after loss, controlEmma Jamesgrieving, stillbirthblogger, stillbirthsupport, lament, achingheart, newpost, stillbirthsurvivor, stillbornbutstillloved, lifeafterlossblog, wounded, newblogpost, surrender, running, grievingmother, losingcontrol, anxiety, Trust, stillbirth, waiting, trauma, woundsheal, stillbirthbreakthesilence, weary, survivor, trust, bereavedmother, outofcontrol, scars, lifeafterloss, pregnancyafterloss, shame, ptsdrecovery, fear, lifeafterlossblogger, grief, stillbirthawareness, stillbirthmatters, abusesurvivor, suffering Comment
Feeling vs. Wanting
Feeling vs. Wanting

“O soul, steeped in darkness, do not despair. All is not yet lost.  Come and confide in your God, Who is Love and Mercy.”  (St. Faustina) 

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control, Trauma, Shame, Bereaved Mother, Losing control, Stillbirth, abuse, grief, Pregnancy after loss, PTSDEmma Jamesabusesurvivor, stillbirthblogger, weary, wounded, change, bereavedmother, stillbirthsurvivor, loss, abuse, losingcontrol, outofcontrol, scars, achingheart, grief, stillbornbutstillloved, woundsheal, suffering, stillbirthsupport, grieving, fearfactor, survivor, surrender, controlling, newblogpost, stillbirth, running, pregnancyafterloss, newpost, anxiety, lifeafterlossblog, fear, ptsdrecovery, shame, waiting, grievingmother, healing, lament, lifeafterlossblogger, trust, stillbirthmatters, stillbirthawareness, trauma, stillbirthbreakthesilence, Trust, lifeafterlossComment
Eight Months
Eight Months

I do not know where I am going.  But I need to go SOMEWHERE. 

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control, Stillbirth, Pregnancy after loss, Bereaved Mother, grief, Losing control, PTSD, TraumaEmma Jamessurrender, anniversary, ptsdrecovery, losingcontrol, wounded, grief, stillbirthawareness, infantloss, bereavedmother, trauma, stillbirthmatters, trust, woundsheal, pregnancyafterloss, infantlosssuppprt, fear, outofcontrol, stillbornbutstillloved, stillbirth, newpost, stillbirthblogger, lifeafterlossblog, lifeafterloss, stillborn, shame, suffering, infantlossawareness, loss, stillbirthsupport, achingheart, lament, grieving, newblogpost, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbirthsurvivor, survivor, stillbirthbreakthesilenceComment
Litany of Trust
Litany of Trust

From refusals and reluctances in accepting your will...

From anxiety about the future...

From resentment or excessive preoccupation with the past...

From restless self-seeking in the present moment...

From the fear of being asked to give more than I have...

From the fear of what Love demands...

Deliver me, Jesus.

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Bereaved Mother, Trauma, Stillbirth, Pregnancy after loss, grief, abuse, controlEmma Jamesconsolation, lifeafterlossblog, fighter, wounded, surrender, hope, stillbirthawareness, scars, survivor, stillbirthsurvivor, pregnancyafterloss, stillbornbutstillloved, infantlossawareness, achingheart, abusesurvivor, loss, stillbirthmatters, newsong, newblogpost, newpost, beloved, lifeafterloss, grieving, infantloss, infantlosssuppprt, Trust, healing, stillbirthsupport, suffering, ptsdrecovery, stillbirth, stillbirthswareness, newbeginnings, stillbirthblogger, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbirthbreakthesilence, life, bereavedmother, grief, transformation, trauma, woundshealComment
New Song
New Song

I am learning who I am.  And who I am is new.  And who I am needs change.  Who I am needs “a new song.” 

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abuse, Stillbirth, PTSD, grief, Trauma, control, Losing control, Pregnancy after loss, Bereaved MotherEmma Jameslifeafterlossblog, scars, trauma, bereavedmother, pregnancyafterloss, stillbirthsupport, fear, grieving, achingheart, stillbirthswareness, stillbirthbreakthesilence, newblogpost, stillbirthmatters, infantloss, stillbirthsurvivor, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbornbutstillloved, abusesurvivor, ptsdrecovery, outofcontrol, healing, newpost, love, lifeafterloss, controlling, woundsheal, losingcontrol, loss, infantlossawareness, surrender, stillbirthblogger, stillbirth, shame, survivor, fighter, wounded, abuse, lament, grief, infantlosssuppprt, hope, stillbirthawareness, stillborn, sufferingComment
Beloved
Beloved

While I was in labor for you, I was told that your vocation is LOVE.  My beloved, I also believe that your vocation is to stir others to love more deeply, more simply, more greatly, and without cost. To love without reserve or condition. To reach out to the broken-hearted and hurting.  To love people where they are and just sit with them in their mess. Their brokenness. Their hurt.  Your love is moving mountains. Your love is moving me.  Your love is changing me.  Your love is teaching me to receive love. To allow myself to be loved. 

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Pregnancy after loss, Stillbirth, grief, Bereaved MotherEmma Jamesgrief, trauma, stillbirthawareness, grieving, thankful, stillbirth, stillborn, stilborn, lament, stillbirthmatters, bereavedmother, lifeafterlossblog, newlife, loss, surrender, stillbornstillloved, survivor, healing, pregnancyafterloss, newblogpost, achingheart, woundsheal, infantlossawareness, suffering, stillbirthsupport, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbirthsurvivor, newpost, stillbornbutstillloved, lifeafterloss, hope, infantloss, gratitude, stillbirthbreakthesilence, infantlosssuppprt, stillbirthbloggerComment
So Long 2017
So Long 2017

As I end this year of 2017, which has undoubtedly been the hardest year of my life, let me remember that good also came from the pain I’ve endured.  You did in fact live.  Your life is the reason for my suffering.  And I have had the honor of being your mother, and bringing you into this world physically, so you could rest forever eternally in heaven.  And I wouldn’t change any of it, if it would mean that you never existed. 

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Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, grief, TraumaEmma Jamesstillborn, stillbirthbreakthesilence, newblogpost, thankful, stillbirthawareness, stillbirthsurvivor, lifeafterlossblog, transformation, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbirthblogger, bereavedmother, gratitude, stillbirthsupport, infantlosssuppprt, pregnancyafterloss, newpost, grief, infantlossawareness, stillbirthmatters, infantloss, lifeafterloss, stillbirth, stillbornbutstillloved, survivor, stilborn, grieving, lossComment
A Dwelling Place
A Dwelling Place

I went to the chapel one night, in the throes of my grief.  Visceral memories of her delivery and remembering how I let God into the pain that day entered into my mind and heart.  I felt the pain again.  All of it.  Physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional. 

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Stillbirth, grief, abuse, Bereaved Mother, Pregnancy after loss, control, ShameEmma Jamesfear, thankful, surrender, stillbirth, lifeafterloss, trauma, lifeafterlossblog, controlling, loss, running, grief, hope, survivor, healing, bereavedmother, anniversary, pregnancyafterloss, lifeafterlossblogger, gratitude, shame, suffering, newblogpost, achingheart, transformationComment
Ambushed
Ambushed

Last week I was ambushed.  Under attack.  And I couldn’t escape it.  Couldn’t find my way out. 

My enemy was myself.

My mind.  My thoughts.  My fears.  My anxiety.  I made myself a prisoner.  A slave to irrational behavior, motives, and beliefs.

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Stillbirth, Shame, Pregnancy after loss, Bereaved Mother, Losing control, PTSD, grief, TraumaEmma Jamesshame, newpost, lifeafterlossblogger, infantloss, lifeafterloss, fear, grief, losingcontrol, bereavedmother, stillbirthsurvivor, pregnancyafterloss, newblogpost, suffering, lifeafterlossblog, stillbirthawarenessComment