Purpose

Purpose. You are the reason. You are the reason I write. You are the reason your little brother is here. You are the reason I am a mother of six. Purpose. What is the purpose of this pain?This loss?This life without you?Your death?This valley?  Purpose. Your existence...so short, now eternal. Impacting every fiber of my being. Changing our family. Changing my life. Changing me. I’m trying to discover this purpose, but I don’t think I will ever fully discover it this side of heaven. And that’s something I have to accept. Purpose?My purpose was to carry you. To be your mother. To participate in God’s plan for your life and salvation. The purpose of that day?To experience the grace. To witness the veil being lifted. To be united momentarily to the other side.The purpose of the past 16 months?To survive. To let love in. And your purpose?Was it to bring love?And simplicity? And a life back to the basics?To love big in small ways?To get me to heaven?Let this pain have a purpose. Let this suffering not be in vain. Let this longing not go without reward. Show me my purpose now. Show me how to move forward in this life, where you and I do not reside together. 

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Capture your grief, Life after loss, StillbirthEmma JamesPurpose, Capture your grief, stillbirthComment
Sunrise

The joy that stirred me awake this morning shocked me. Excitement over this adventure?  Excitement of greeting the sun?  Excitement for today’s feast?  Even your sister remarked about the beauty of today’s sunrise. “It looks like heaven,” she said. Yes. Indeed. I thought the same. Heaven...where you are. Heaven...where we will see you again. Heaven...where you celebrate today on this feast of St. Therese. Even the sky splashed your colors...orange, yellow, and pink.  Beautifully and delicately arrayed like you.  This morning the sun welcomed me into a new day, it left behind the tears of yesterday, and it stirred me on to start anew. To find beauty and love in big ways and small in the midst of the bittersweet reality of today’s anniversary.  Even though the darkness finds me...the light does, too.

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Sunrise, Capture your grief, Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, Life after lossEmma JamesCapture your grief, lifeafterloss, Stillbirth, Sunrise, Bereaved MotherComment
Finding You
Finding You

I shut my eyes in hopes of dreaming of you. Of finding you. Of you finding me.

I see you in my mind’s eye, and I speak your name on my heart. It rests on my tongue in a quiet sigh. No sound comes out. It’s stifled. Unreleased.

I wrap my arms around my shoulders, clenching myself tightly. I envision the weight of your small body against mine. Leaning into me. Pressing against me. Delicate arms wrapped tightly around me with your tiny jaw embedded into the nape of my neck.

In the bed. Holding you. Holding me. I need you to hold me.

I miss you so much.

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Stillbirth, control, grief, Stillbirth Survivor, Searching, Losing control, Stillborn, Love, Bereaved Mother, PTSD, Life after loss, MissingEmma Jamesgrievingfamily, stillbirthmatters, lifeafterloss, life, stillbirthsupport, stillbirthblogger, parentingafterloss, grievingmother, stillbreathing, nofearinlove, suffering, longingheart, trauma, healing, bereavedmother, findingyou, transformation, stillbirthawareness, stillbirthsurvivor, newblogpost, sorrow, weary, childloss, stillbirthbreakthesilence, losingcontrol, trust, wounded, surrender, infantlossawareness, control, grievingfather, postpartum, thrive, newnormal, grieving, newlife, lovingyou, dreamingofyou, newpost, achingheart, Bereaved Mother, alwaysmissingyou, lament, heavenmeetsearth, infantloss, scars, ptsd, loss, forevermissed, infantlosssuppprt, wounds, foreverloved, controlling, stillbirth, lifeafterlossblogger, Stillbirth, waiting, longing, stillborn, Exhausted, loving, postpartumdepression, childlossawareness, newbeginnings, stillgrieving, missingyou, stillbornbutstillloved, love, grief, lifeafterlossblog, exhausted, woundshealComment
This is Us
This is Us
Life after loss, Trauma, Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, Shame, Stillbirth Survivor, abuse, Love, PTSD, Losing control, grief, StillbornEmma Jamesoutofcontrol, stillbornbutstillloved, anger, lifeafterloss, grieving, longing, suffering, newpost, stillbirthsupport, anxiety, achingheart, losingcontrol, love, Postpartum, longingheart, loving, grievingmother, lifeafterlossblog, exhausted, shame, abusesurvivor, infantlosssuppprt, fighter, lifeafterlossblogger, Exhausted, scars, weary, stillbirth, nothingispermanent, stillbirthbreakthesilence, lament, wounds, Stillbirth, confusion, parentingafterloss, abuse, ptsdrecovery, grievingfamily, wounded, loss, stillbitter, stillbirthsurvivor, stillbirthmatters, dadsgrievetoo, stillborn, stillbreathing, grievingfather, postpartum, childloss, lovingyou, newblogpost, grief, marriage, infantloss, stillbornawareness, bereavedmother, waiting, stillgrieving, infantlossawareness, trauma, Bereaved Mother, stillbirthawareness, stillbornstillloved, stillbirthbloggerComment
Thoughts
Thoughts

There’s a deep ache in me that permeates every fiber of my being. A longing. A stillness. A quiet. It’s incomplete and completely painful. It swallows me whole and consumes my existence. It’s presses hard and captures me. I’m suffocating.

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Assumptions
Assumptions


I guess I just don’t want people to assume that I am okay, that my husband is okay, that we are okay, or that our family is OKAY.  Or to assume that a smile on my face means that I am “better.”  That because I hold a babe in my arms, I am over not holding her.  That because it’s been a year, life is back to “normal.”  We are not fully functioning.  We are just trying to make it through another day. Just as pregnancy after loss was unbearably brutal, parenting after loss has been a beast of its own.  I look around and see all the ways our lives have unraveled over the past thirteen months.  Life still seems so out of control.

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Escape
Escape

Right now, I just need an escape.

An escape from this thing called life after loss; from this gray area of waiting.

Waiting for the pain to soften, for the memories to not break me in two, for the heaviness to lift.

I want a break.

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Always Missing
Always Missing

After all, I am trying to mother a child who is always missing...that in itself is exhausting and overwhelming and will be part of me forever.

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A Year in Words
A Year in Words

 “It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”  (Rose Kennedy)

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“All That Lives Forever”
“All That Lives Forever”

Missing you deeply today, my love, but finding you in the in between...

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Still Your Mother
Still Your Mother
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Your Month Arrived
Your Month Arrived

May is here. And May hurts.  Because May means you will be gone...forever...until we are reunited in heaven.

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Learning to Surrender
Learning to Surrender

Last night while nursing him, he gave a slight resemblance to you, and I remembered staring down at your face in the hospital room in such disbelief.  No matter how much I willed you to breathe or to move, no matter how much I begged God to change the outcome, I couldn’t change a thing.  I was completely powerless.

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Life after loss, PTSD, Bereaved Mother, Pregnancy after loss, Searching, grief, Stillbirth, Stillbirth Survivor, Love, Stillborn, Trauma, ShameEmma Jameswounded, hope, pregnancyafterloss, survivor, sorrow, newbegginings, woundsheal, foreverloved, postpartum, stillbirthsupport, loss, lifeafterloss, infantloss, lifeafterlossblogger, dreamingofyou, trust, trauma, transformation, stillbirthswareness, Stillbirth, longingheart, Postpartum, stillbirthawareness, suffering, lament, beloved, lovingyou, 38weeks, Pregnancy after loss, newblogpost, achingheart, surrender, stillbirthbreakthesilence, newlife, grief, bereavedmother, stillbornstillloved, newbabyboy, stillborn, lifeafterlossblog, anniversary, missingyou, grievingmother, stillbirthsurvivor, infantlosssuppprt, newpost, stillbirthblogger, confusion, grieving, forevermissed, findingyou, love, stillbornbutstillloved, loving, stillbirthmatters, 11months, stillbirth, healing, life, fear, infantlossawareness, scars, change, waiting, ptsdrecoveryComment
Postpartum Days
Postpartum Days

Being home with your little brother, I’m so very much reminded of those early days at home without   you.   I sit on the sofa, nursing him, holding him tight, gazing at his small frame and features, and I listen to the birds sing outside and dive and dance in and out of our yard.  And I see you, colorless and empty of life, in a cold, dark hospital room.  And I remember how I came home and slept all night, stayed in bed until the afternoon, didn’t eat, and cried every waking hour and in between.  I’m reminded of how my body continued to move on without you...

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