stillbirth — still breathing

Dreaming

Sometimes I like to sit and dream. I like to dream that I’m living in an alternate reality. I allow my imagination to run wild and replay events of everyday life, which have you in them.

Erupting

My anger hasn’t been lying dormant by any means, but recently it has been making its way to the surface in bouts of explosions and eruptions. And today is no different. Can I make excuses for myself?

Divided

That night, at mass, the message of surrender. Giving it all to God. Living with open hands. Wanting God more than anything. The story of Abraham, willing to sacrifice his son for love of God...I felt ashamed. Because in the midst of all of this, if I had a choice, if I could go back in time, if I could write this story’s ending...I wouldn’t choose loss. I wouldn’t choose your death. I wouldn’t choose sacrifice, or this cross, or this grief. I would choose to be your Mom this side of heaven. The words of our pastor carved into me, and I thought I might bleed out, but I didn’t want to release my emotions. I swallowed them down hard and pretended to be unbothered. I was convicted, but not convinced. I was divided.

grief, Trauma, Pregnancy after loss, Shame, Stillborn, Searching, control, Stillbirth, Losing control, Love, PTSD, Stillbirth Survivor, Bereaved Mother, Life after lossEmma JamesMarch 1, 2018sorrow, weary, grief, stillbornstillloved, infantloss, anniversary, scars, running, anxiety, transformation, newpost, stillbornawareness, stillbirthsupport, stillbirthawareness, forevermissed, time, lifeafterlossblog, newblogpost, surrender, healing, 9monthanniversary, stillbirthbreakthesilence, wounds, shame, losingcontrol, gratitude, wounded, nofearinlove, prayer, grievingmother, survivor, achingheart, outofcontrol, foreverloved, stillborn, stillbirthsurvivor, woundsheal, stillbirthmatters, suffering, infantlosssuppprt, findingyou, loss, bereavedmother, stillbirth, tabernacle, love, confusion, trauma, infantlossawareness, lifeafterloss, hope, Trust, ptsdrecovery, grieving, waiting, stillbirthblogger, secretplace, stillbitter, lament, trust, fear, pregnancyafterloss, stillbornbutstillloved, lifeafterlossblogger, control, lovingyou, loving, thankful, changeComment

Parallel Lines

My heart knows that if it is truly God’s will, then I may indeed lose again. And I’m struggling to live in a state of acceptance with that truth. Because right now, I want what I want to be what He wants. And I want to understand. To see the bigger picture. And how this journey ends.

Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, Trauma, Stillborn, Stillbirth Survivor, grief, Losing control, Life after loss, Pregnancy after loss, PTSDEmma JamesFebruary 17, 2018love, surrender, stillbirth, infantlossawareness, grievingmother, stillbirthblogger, control, stillbornbutstillloved, achingheart, bereavedmother, waiting, woundsheal, beloved, lifeafterlossblog, survivor, stillbirthawareness, wounds, stillbirthmatters, infantloss, stillbirthbreakthesilence, loving, stillborn, stillbornstillloved, newlife, lifeafterloss, confusion, grieving, suffering, stillbirthsurvivor, reallove, anxiety, stillbornawareness, newpost, foreverloved, anniversary, forevermissed, newbeginnings, fear, Trust, lifeafterlossblogger, wounded, scars, loss, trauma, healing, infantlosssuppprt, newblogpost, shame, grief, pregnancyafterloss, transformation, trust, hope, outofcontrol, stillbirthsupportComment

No Fear in Love

I am learning that your love is molding me and shaping me into someone new. That the old me is a discarded shell, and that’s simply okay. I’m learning that loving you came with a cost, but I would never change it.

Watching Life Unfold

How is it that you’ve been gone for as long as you were with me? From 38 weeks of growing you, to 38 weeks of life without you.

Time looks so differently.

Pregnancy after loss, Bereaved Mother, Stillbirth Survivor, PTSD, Stillbirth, grief, control, Stillborn, Life after loss, Searching, Losing control, TraumaEmma JamesFebruary 11, 2018stillbirthmatters, infantlosssuppprt, stillbirthblogger, infantloss, confusion, running, stillbirth, fear, newpost, weary, stillborn, trust, stillbirthsupport, bereavedmother, loss, sorrow, lifeafterloss, Trust, losingcontrol, newblogpost, lifeafterlossblogger, lament, stillbornstillloved, anniversary, infantlossawareness, grief, surrender, hope, woundsheal, shame, lifeafterlossblog, stillbirthsurvivor, stillbirthawareness, grieving, outofcontrol, suffering, trauma, pregnancyafterloss, grievingmother, wounded, findingyou, love, achingheart, stillbornbutstillloved, stillbirthbreakthesilence, fighter, time, wounds, healingComment

My First Born

How could I have ever imagined the journey that motherhood would take me? 11 years, 3 months, 13 days, and almost 12 hours later from that moment, I would be holding you.

Finding You

When I stepped outside the front door this afternoon, I walked half way down the sidewalk, then turned around. Do I really want to go? YES. I do. I knew I needed to find you.