stillbornawareness — stillbirth

This is Us

Life after loss, Trauma, Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, Shame, Stillbirth Survivor, abuse, Love, PTSD, Losing control, grief, StillbornEmma JamesJuly 12, 2018outofcontrol, stillbornbutstillloved, anger, lifeafterloss, grieving, longing, suffering, newpost, stillbirthsupport, anxiety, achingheart, losingcontrol, love, Postpartum, longingheart, loving, grievingmother, lifeafterlossblog, exhausted, shame, abusesurvivor, infantlosssuppprt, fighter, lifeafterlossblogger, Exhausted, scars, weary, stillbirth, nothingispermanent, stillbirthbreakthesilence, lament, wounds, Stillbirth, confusion, parentingafterloss, abuse, ptsdrecovery, grievingfamily, wounded, loss, stillbitter, stillbirthsurvivor, stillbirthmatters, dadsgrievetoo, stillborn, stillbreathing, grievingfather, postpartum, childloss, lovingyou, newblogpost, grief, marriage, infantloss, stillbornawareness, bereavedmother, waiting, stillgrieving, infantlossawareness, trauma, Bereaved Mother, stillbirthawareness, stillbornstillloved, stillbirthbloggerComment

Thoughts

There’s a deep ache in me that permeates every fiber of my being. A longing. A stillness. A quiet. It’s incomplete and completely painful. It swallows me whole and consumes my existence. It’s presses hard and captures me. I’m suffocating.

control, Life after loss, Trauma, Stillbirth Survivor, grief, Missing, PTSD, Bereaved Mother, Stillborn, Losing control, StillbirthEmma JamesJuly 5, 2018love, lovingyou, postpartum, memories, Stillbirth, achingheart, weary, childloss, longingheart, stillbirthblogger, newblogpost, anxiety, loving, stillborn, ptsdrecovery, lifeafterloss, foreverloved, beloved, stillbreathing, may, stillbirth, stillbirthsupport, grief, stillbirthsurvivor, missingyou, confusion, trauma, stillbirthbreakthesilence, anger, shame, control, stillbirthawareness, lifeafterlossblog, outofcontrol, exhausted, trust, woundsheal, waiting, dreamingofyou, stillbornstillloved, suffering, findingyou, sorrow, bereavedmother, stillbirthmatters, stillbornawareness, surrender, stillbornbutstillloved, fear, parentingafterloss, grievingmother, infantlossawareness, lament, wounded, scars, Anger, grieving, Anxiety, Exhausted, stillgrieving, angry, infantloss, forevermissed, wounds, stilbirthawareness, Postpartum, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbornstilloved, loss, stillbitter, infantlosssuppprt, Bereaved Mother, alwaysmissingyouComment

Assumptions

I guess I just don’t want people to assume that I am okay, that my husband is okay, that we are okay, or that our family is OKAY. Or to assume that a smile on my face means that I am “better.” That because I hold a babe in my arms, I am over not holding her. That because it’s been a year, life is back to “normal.” We are not fully functioning. We are just trying to make it through another day. Just as pregnancy after loss was unbearably brutal, parenting after loss has been a beast of its own. I look around and see all the ways our lives have unraveled over the past thirteen months. Life still seems so out of control.

grief, PTSD, control, Stillbirth, Trauma, Stillborn, Bereaved Mother, Shame, Life after loss, Stillbirth Survivor, Losing control, MissingEmma JamesJune 19, 2018weary, grieving, longingheart, stillbirthmatters, dadsgrievetoo, stillgrieving, waiting, findingyou, beloved, grievingmother, grief, Bereaved Mother, nothingispermanent, Postpartum, newbegginings, oneyearanniversary, forevermissed, lifeafterlossblog, stillbornbutstillloved, newlife, wounds, control, newblogpost, newbabyboy, stillbirthbreakthesilence, infantlossawareness, newpost, stillbirthsupport, memories, stillbirthsurvivor, anxiety, love, missingyou, ptsdrecovery, surrender, achingheart, survivor, Stillbirth, parentingafterloss, Exhausted, stillbornawareness, thankful, grievingfather, running, woundsheal, healing, lifeafterlossblogger, foreverloved, stillbirthawareness, stillbirth, stillborn, lifeafterloss, infantloss, loving, trauma, wounded, stillbornstillloved, dadgrief, outofcontrol, lovingyou, suffering, trust, loss, grievingfamily, stillbirthblogger, hope, sorrow, infantlosssuppprt, Anger, alwaysmissingyou, stillbitter, bereavedmother, lament, fighterComment

“All That Lives Forever”

Missing you deeply today, my love, but finding you in the in between...

Still Your Mother

Stillborn, Stillbirth, Stillbirth Survivor, Love, grief, Bereaved Mother, Life after loss, Shame, TraumaEmma JamesMay 14, 2018pregnancyloss, woundsheal, stillbornbutstillloved, sorrow, stillbitter, postpartum, lifeafterlossblogger, infantloss, Stillbirth, stillbornawareness, longingheart, lifeafterlossblog, dreamingofyou, weary, ptsdrecovery, stillbirthsurvivor, grief, newblogpost, lovingyou, bereavedmother, loving, stillborn, stillbornstillloved, lifeafterloss, stillbirthblogger, suffering, grievingmother, anniversary, lament, parentingafterloss, stillbirth, mothersday, stillbirthmatters, loss, foreverloved, Anger, forevermissed, infantlossawareness, wounded, stillbirthbreakthesilence, achingheart, stillbirthawareness, love, missingyou, bereavedmothersday, grieving, stillbirthsupport, infantlosssuppprt, findingyouComment

Postpartum Days

Being home with your little brother, I’m so very much reminded of those early days at home without you. I sit on the sofa, nursing him, holding him tight, gazing at his small frame and features, and I listen to the birds sing outside and dive and dance in and out of our yard. And I see you, colorless and empty of life, in a cold, dark hospital room. And I remember how I came home and slept all night, stayed in bed until the afternoon, didn’t eat, and cried every waking hour and in between. I’m reminded of how my body continued to move on without you...

Stillbirth, Trauma, Shame, Stillborn, Bereaved Mother, grief, Love, control, Stillbirth Survivor, Life after lossEmma JamesApril 25, 2018wounds, dreamingofyou, dreams, stillbornstillloved, surrender, survivor, newblogpost, infantlosssuppprt, sorrow, love, thanksgiving, woundsheal, loving, grievingmother, findingyou, confusion, hope, transformation, Pregnancy after loss, newpost, peace, grief, trauma, trust, scars, suffering, lifeafterloss, stillbirthmatters, change, Anger, lovingyou, achingheart, lifeafterlossblog, loss, grieving, newbabyboy, stillbirth, stillbornawareness, stillbornbutstillloved, newlife, longingheart, bereavedmother, anger, wounded, infantlossawareness, shame, Postpartum, Stillbirth, Trust, stillbirthsupport, forevermissed, lifeafterlossblogger, angry, stillbirthsurvivor, infantloss, newbegginings, stillbirthbreakthesilence, stillbirthawareness, lament, stillbirthblogger, foreverloved, weary, belovedComment

11 Months (Revisiting)

I’m a day late, my love. Yesterday, it was 11 months. How have we happened upon one month shy of a full year?

I know I haven’t written in a while, but so much has been moving and churning within the depths of my heart. It’s almost been too much to articulate admidst the exhaustion of daily life, grief, and pregnancy after loss. However, I think you know. You’ve witnessed it all.

Eleven months ago, my world came crashing down when I received the most unimaginable news of my life...your heart had stopped beating just two weeks shy of your expected due date.

Stillborn, grief, Stillbirth, Stillbirth Survivor, Life after loss, Trauma, Pregnancy after loss, Love, Bereaved MotherEmma JamesApril 23, 2018survivor, transformation, stillbirth, newbeginnings, grieving, fighter, newpost, trust, pregnancyafterloss, thankful, reallove, Pregnancy after loss, stillbornbutstillloved, stillbornawareness, loving, stillbirthblogger, forevermissed, longingheart, peace, grievingmother, stillbirthsupport, beloved, hope, love, missingyou, surrender, stillbornstillloved, ptsdrecovery, infantloss, healing, stillbirthmatters, infantlossawareness, stillborn, Stillbirth, bereavedmother, lifeafterlossblogger, foreverloved, suffering, dreamingofyou, woundsheal, Trust, waiting, trauma, stillbirthawareness, newblogpost, loss, lifeafterlossblog, findingyou, stillbirthsurvivor, gratitude, anniversary, stillbirthbreakthesilence, resurrection, infantlosssuppprt, nofearinlove, lifeafterloss, stillbirthswareness, lovingyou, newlife, grief, achingheartComment

Breathe You In

Heart of my heart

And

Flesh of my flesh.

I want to breathe you in

With my very breath.

Draw you close to me

Near to my heart.

Cling to you tightly,

Never to depart.

Dreaming

Sometimes I like to sit and dream. I like to dream that I’m living in an alternate reality. I allow my imagination to run wild and replay events of everyday life, which have you in them.

Divided

That night, at mass, the message of surrender. Giving it all to God. Living with open hands. Wanting God more than anything. The story of Abraham, willing to sacrifice his son for love of God...I felt ashamed. Because in the midst of all of this, if I had a choice, if I could go back in time, if I could write this story’s ending...I wouldn’t choose loss. I wouldn’t choose your death. I wouldn’t choose sacrifice, or this cross, or this grief. I would choose to be your Mom this side of heaven. The words of our pastor carved into me, and I thought I might bleed out, but I didn’t want to release my emotions. I swallowed them down hard and pretended to be unbothered. I was convicted, but not convinced. I was divided.

grief, Trauma, Pregnancy after loss, Shame, Stillborn, Searching, control, Stillbirth, Losing control, Love, PTSD, Stillbirth Survivor, Bereaved Mother, Life after lossEmma JamesMarch 1, 2018sorrow, weary, grief, stillbornstillloved, infantloss, anniversary, scars, running, anxiety, transformation, newpost, stillbornawareness, stillbirthsupport, stillbirthawareness, forevermissed, time, lifeafterlossblog, newblogpost, surrender, healing, 9monthanniversary, stillbirthbreakthesilence, wounds, shame, losingcontrol, gratitude, wounded, nofearinlove, prayer, grievingmother, survivor, achingheart, outofcontrol, foreverloved, stillborn, stillbirthsurvivor, woundsheal, stillbirthmatters, suffering, infantlosssuppprt, findingyou, loss, bereavedmother, stillbirth, tabernacle, love, confusion, trauma, infantlossawareness, lifeafterloss, hope, Trust, ptsdrecovery, grieving, waiting, stillbirthblogger, secretplace, stillbitter, lament, trust, fear, pregnancyafterloss, stillbornbutstillloved, lifeafterlossblogger, control, lovingyou, loving, thankful, changeComment

Parallel Lines

My heart knows that if it is truly God’s will, then I may indeed lose again. And I’m struggling to live in a state of acceptance with that truth. Because right now, I want what I want to be what He wants. And I want to understand. To see the bigger picture. And how this journey ends.

Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, Trauma, Stillborn, Stillbirth Survivor, grief, Losing control, Life after loss, Pregnancy after loss, PTSDEmma JamesFebruary 17, 2018love, surrender, stillbirth, infantlossawareness, grievingmother, stillbirthblogger, control, stillbornbutstillloved, achingheart, bereavedmother, waiting, woundsheal, beloved, lifeafterlossblog, survivor, stillbirthawareness, wounds, stillbirthmatters, infantloss, stillbirthbreakthesilence, loving, stillborn, stillbornstillloved, newlife, lifeafterloss, confusion, grieving, suffering, stillbirthsurvivor, reallove, anxiety, stillbornawareness, newpost, foreverloved, anniversary, forevermissed, newbeginnings, fear, Trust, lifeafterlossblogger, wounded, scars, loss, trauma, healing, infantlosssuppprt, newblogpost, shame, grief, pregnancyafterloss, transformation, trust, hope, outofcontrol, stillbirthsupportComment

No Fear in Love

I am learning that your love is molding me and shaping me into someone new. That the old me is a discarded shell, and that’s simply okay. I’m learning that loving you came with a cost, but I would never change it.

My First Born

How could I have ever imagined the journey that motherhood would take me? 11 years, 3 months, 13 days, and almost 12 hours later from that moment, I would be holding you.

Finding You

When I stepped outside the front door this afternoon, I walked half way down the sidewalk, then turned around. Do I really want to go? YES. I do. I knew I needed to find you.

Remembering

I love you enough to remember...

Carry You

I would do it all again. If it all meant I could just carry you once more.