Posts in Stillborn
Rescue

 “I will send out an army to find you in the middle of the darkest night...

I will never stop marchin’ to reach you in the middle of the hardest fight...

I hear you whisper underneath your breath. I hear you whisper you have nothing left...

It’s true, I will rescue you...”

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Stillborn, Chaos, abuse, Missing, Life after loss, control, Shame, Searching, Trauma, Love, Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, Losing control, Anger, griefEmma JamesExhausted, lifeafterloss, Grief, StruggleComment
Speak to Me

How much longer will I be able to keep this up?  How much more will be asked of me?  I miss her. I miss her so much. And I cry out to my God who gave and took: Speak to me!  Speak to me.  Because at your command, these waters can be stilled. Your voice can calm the waters raging within (“the sea in me”).

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Chaos, Losing control, Stillbirth, Stillborn, Sunrise, grief, Stillbirth Survivor, Life after loss, Missing, Trauma, Searching, Bereaved Mother, AngerEmma Jamesgrief, exhaustion, Stillbirth, AngerComment
Beauty From Ashes

Six months. Today, we celebrate six months of life. It’s your little brother’s half birthday. As I type this, he’s cuddled close to me, sucking on his pacifier, while his softie is nestled into his neck and lullabies lull him to sleep.  It’s beautiful. But it stings. It’s bittersweet...  I’m overcome with love for him and the joy he brings me to the point that I’m overwhelmed and brought to tears.  His breaths fall heavily on my arm, while you remained so still.  His little life, in my arms, because your life slipped through my hands.  Death literally passed through me, so a new life could be planted. Could grow. Could resurrect from the darkness and bring to fruition a redemption I had not thought possible.  There’s so much guilt.  But there’s so much love.  And grief, it still remains.

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Pregnancy after loss, Trauma, Stillbirth, Stillbirth Survivor, Bereaved Mother, Say their name, control, Love, Searching, Stillborn, Capture your grief, Missing, PTSD, Life after loss, griefEmma Jamesblessing, grievingfather, stilbirthawareness, scars, realtalk, bereavedmother, infantloss, pregnancyafterloss, Love letter, longingheart, waiting, Finding beauty, wounded, 6months, infantlosssuppprt, resurrection, trauma, stillbirthsurvivor, childloss, sixmonths, healingafterloss, fearfactor, grief, healing, newnormal, achingheart, suffering, Capture your grief, grace, stillbirth, shame, ptsd, trust, stillgrieving, stillbreathing, stillbirthmatters, newblogpost, 1in160, newbeginnings, grieving, hope, infantlossawareness, alwayssearching, saytheirname, longing, consolation, exhausted, alwayslovingyou, his perspective, thankful, Pregnancy after loss, losingcontrol, missingyou, Wisdom, foreverloved, grievingmother, stillborn, 2017, childlossawareness, nothingispermanent, Purpose, newpost, newsong, Anniversary, dadgrief, 38weeks, chosen, lifeafterlossblog, sorrow, reallove, grievingfamily, alwaysloved, Bereaved Mother, love, postpartum, captureyourgrief2018, lifeafterlossblogger, purpose, ptsdrecovery, loving, stillbirthbreakthesilence, parentingafterloss, loveletter, woundsheal, Trust, Today, heavenmeetsearth, survivor, control, fear, notoverit, yourname, 1in4, alwaysmissingyou, babygirl, beloved, newlife, newbabyboy, stillbornbutstillloved, Stillbirth, forevermissed, may, Remembering, loss, gratitude, stillbirthblogger, memories, lovingyou, lament, stilborn, stillbirthsupport, transformation, weary, lifeafterloss, fighter, peace, dreamingofyou, surrender, nofearinlove, findingbeauty, dadsgrievetoo, findingyou, 6kids, anxiety, alwaysfindingyou, captureyourgrief, anniversaryComment
Transformed
Transformed

Who am I now?  How has this experience changed me?  I hesitate to even call it an experience. It was and is so much more than that.  It was stillbirth.  It was losing a child. It is loss.  And it is grief.  But nonetheless, I am different.

Transformed, however, makes it seem as though I have come to the end of this difficult road. I am ever evolving. Ever changing. In each day, each moment, in each breath...I am transforming.

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Missing, Bereaved Mother, Losing control, control, Life after loss, PTSD, Shame, Pregnancy after loss, Stillborn, grief, Searching, abuse, Stillbirth, Trauma, Capture your grief, Love, Say their name, Stillbirth SurvivorEmma JamesStillbirth, transformation, Capture your grief Comment
Wisdom

Dear Friend, I’m sorry that someone in your life has experienced the greatest loss—the loss of a child.  You must feel so sad, yet so awkward...so unsure as to what you should do. Because, what can you do?  What can you say?  You can say nothing. You can do nothing.  Just be. Just be there for them.  Nothing will fix this. Nothing will take away their pain. Nothing will make them feel better.  No cliches, no words of wisdom, no biblical quote or spiritual truth. Nothing.

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Shame, grief, Bereaved Mother, Life after loss, Stillbirth Survivor, Say their name, Stillbirth, Missing, Stillborn, Capture your griefEmma JamesWisdom, Stillbirth, Exhausted, childloss, childlossawareness, Capture your griefComment
Finding You
Finding You

I shut my eyes in hopes of dreaming of you. Of finding you. Of you finding me.

I see you in my mind’s eye, and I speak your name on my heart. It rests on my tongue in a quiet sigh. No sound comes out. It’s stifled. Unreleased.

I wrap my arms around my shoulders, clenching myself tightly. I envision the weight of your small body against mine. Leaning into me. Pressing against me. Delicate arms wrapped tightly around me with your tiny jaw embedded into the nape of my neck.

In the bed. Holding you. Holding me. I need you to hold me.

I miss you so much.

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Stillbirth, control, grief, Stillbirth Survivor, Searching, Losing control, Stillborn, Love, Bereaved Mother, PTSD, Life after loss, MissingEmma Jamesgrievingfamily, stillbirthmatters, lifeafterloss, life, stillbirthsupport, stillbirthblogger, parentingafterloss, grievingmother, stillbreathing, nofearinlove, suffering, longingheart, trauma, healing, bereavedmother, findingyou, transformation, stillbirthawareness, stillbirthsurvivor, newblogpost, sorrow, weary, childloss, stillbirthbreakthesilence, losingcontrol, trust, wounded, surrender, infantlossawareness, control, grievingfather, postpartum, thrive, newnormal, grieving, newlife, lovingyou, dreamingofyou, newpost, achingheart, Bereaved Mother, alwaysmissingyou, lament, heavenmeetsearth, infantloss, scars, ptsd, loss, forevermissed, infantlosssuppprt, wounds, foreverloved, controlling, stillbirth, lifeafterlossblogger, Stillbirth, waiting, longing, stillborn, Exhausted, loving, postpartumdepression, childlossawareness, newbeginnings, stillgrieving, missingyou, stillbornbutstillloved, love, grief, lifeafterlossblog, exhausted, woundshealComment
This is Us
This is Us
Life after loss, Trauma, Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, Shame, Stillbirth Survivor, abuse, Love, PTSD, Losing control, grief, StillbornEmma Jamesoutofcontrol, stillbornbutstillloved, anger, lifeafterloss, grieving, longing, suffering, newpost, stillbirthsupport, anxiety, achingheart, losingcontrol, love, Postpartum, longingheart, loving, grievingmother, lifeafterlossblog, exhausted, shame, abusesurvivor, infantlosssuppprt, fighter, lifeafterlossblogger, Exhausted, scars, weary, stillbirth, nothingispermanent, stillbirthbreakthesilence, lament, wounds, Stillbirth, confusion, parentingafterloss, abuse, ptsdrecovery, grievingfamily, wounded, loss, stillbitter, stillbirthsurvivor, stillbirthmatters, dadsgrievetoo, stillborn, stillbreathing, grievingfather, postpartum, childloss, lovingyou, newblogpost, grief, marriage, infantloss, stillbornawareness, bereavedmother, waiting, stillgrieving, infantlossawareness, trauma, Bereaved Mother, stillbirthawareness, stillbornstillloved, stillbirthbloggerComment
Thoughts
Thoughts

There’s a deep ache in me that permeates every fiber of my being. A longing. A stillness. A quiet. It’s incomplete and completely painful. It swallows me whole and consumes my existence. It’s presses hard and captures me. I’m suffocating.

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control, Life after loss, Trauma, Stillbirth Survivor, grief, Missing, PTSD, Bereaved Mother, Stillborn, Losing control, StillbirthEmma Jameslove, lovingyou, postpartum, memories, Stillbirth, achingheart, weary, childloss, longingheart, stillbirthblogger, newblogpost, anxiety, loving, stillborn, ptsdrecovery, lifeafterloss, foreverloved, beloved, stillbreathing, may, stillbirth, stillbirthsupport, grief, stillbirthsurvivor, missingyou, confusion, trauma, stillbirthbreakthesilence, anger, shame, control, stillbirthawareness, lifeafterlossblog, outofcontrol, exhausted, trust, woundsheal, waiting, dreamingofyou, stillbornstillloved, suffering, findingyou, sorrow, bereavedmother, stillbirthmatters, stillbornawareness, surrender, stillbornbutstillloved, fear, parentingafterloss, grievingmother, infantlossawareness, lament, wounded, scars, Anger, grieving, Anxiety, Exhausted, stillgrieving, angry, infantloss, forevermissed, wounds, stilbirthawareness, Postpartum, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbornstilloved, loss, stillbitter, infantlosssuppprt, Bereaved Mother, alwaysmissingyouComment
Assumptions
Assumptions


I guess I just don’t want people to assume that I am okay, that my husband is okay, that we are okay, or that our family is OKAY.  Or to assume that a smile on my face means that I am “better.”  That because I hold a babe in my arms, I am over not holding her.  That because it’s been a year, life is back to “normal.”  We are not fully functioning.  We are just trying to make it through another day. Just as pregnancy after loss was unbearably brutal, parenting after loss has been a beast of its own.  I look around and see all the ways our lives have unraveled over the past thirteen months.  Life still seems so out of control.

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grief, PTSD, control, Stillbirth, Trauma, Stillborn, Bereaved Mother, Shame, Life after loss, Stillbirth Survivor, Losing control, MissingEmma Jamesweary, grieving, longingheart, stillbirthmatters, dadsgrievetoo, stillgrieving, waiting, findingyou, beloved, grievingmother, grief, Bereaved Mother, nothingispermanent, Postpartum, newbegginings, oneyearanniversary, forevermissed, lifeafterlossblog, stillbornbutstillloved, newlife, wounds, control, newblogpost, newbabyboy, stillbirthbreakthesilence, infantlossawareness, newpost, stillbirthsupport, memories, stillbirthsurvivor, anxiety, love, missingyou, ptsdrecovery, surrender, achingheart, survivor, Stillbirth, parentingafterloss, Exhausted, stillbornawareness, thankful, grievingfather, running, woundsheal, healing, lifeafterlossblogger, foreverloved, stillbirthawareness, stillbirth, stillborn, lifeafterloss, infantloss, loving, trauma, wounded, stillbornstillloved, dadgrief, outofcontrol, lovingyou, suffering, trust, loss, grievingfamily, stillbirthblogger, hope, sorrow, infantlosssuppprt, Anger, alwaysmissingyou, stillbitter, bereavedmother, lament, fighterComment
Always Missing
Always Missing

After all, I am trying to mother a child who is always missing...that in itself is exhausting and overwhelming and will be part of me forever.

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Life after loss, Missing, Shame, Trauma, Bereaved Mother, Losing control, Searching, Stillborn, grief, Stillbirth Survivor, control, StillbirthEmma Jameswounded, missingyou, newbeginnings, infantlosssuppprt, Anniversary, stillbirthmatters, stillbornstillloved, Bereaved Mother, healing, anniversary, parentingafterloss, stillbirth, Stillbirth, love, time, Postpartum, longingheart, oneyearanniversary, ptsdrecovery, forevermissed, stillbirthsupport, stillbornbutstillloved, angry, lifeafterlossblog, stillbirthblogger, infantloss, One year, newpost, stillbirthbreakthesilence, grievingmother, loss, foreverloved, lifeafterlossblogger, bereavedmother, postpartum, newblogpost, findingyou, survivor, lament, waiting, newbabyboy, sorrow, scars, achingheart, grief, lifeafterloss, grieving, stillbirthsurvivor, trust, trauma, stillbirthawareness, weary, infantlossawareness, suffering, stillbornComment
A Year in Words
A Year in Words

 “It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”  (Rose Kennedy)

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Stillbirth, Pregnancy after loss, Stillborn, Losing control, Life after loss, control, PTSD, grief, Searching, Love, Bereaved Mother, Trauma, Shame, Stillbirth SurvivorEmma JamesStillbirth, Bereaved Mother, Anniversary, grief, trauma, ptsdrecovery, One yearComment
Still Your Mother
Still Your Mother
Stillborn, Stillbirth, Stillbirth Survivor, Love, grief, Bereaved Mother, Life after loss, Shame, TraumaEmma Jamespregnancyloss, woundsheal, stillbornbutstillloved, sorrow, stillbitter, postpartum, lifeafterlossblogger, infantloss, Stillbirth, stillbornawareness, longingheart, lifeafterlossblog, dreamingofyou, weary, ptsdrecovery, stillbirthsurvivor, grief, newblogpost, lovingyou, bereavedmother, loving, stillborn, stillbornstillloved, lifeafterloss, stillbirthblogger, suffering, grievingmother, anniversary, lament, parentingafterloss, stillbirth, mothersday, stillbirthmatters, loss, foreverloved, Anger, forevermissed, infantlossawareness, wounded, stillbirthbreakthesilence, achingheart, stillbirthawareness, love, missingyou, bereavedmothersday, grieving, stillbirthsupport, infantlosssuppprt, findingyouComment
Your Month Arrived
Your Month Arrived

May is here. And May hurts.  Because May means you will be gone...forever...until we are reunited in heaven.

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Trauma, grief, Stillbirth Survivor, Love, Stillbirth, Stillborn, Life after loss, Bereaved Mother, PTSDEmma JamesPostpartum, sorrow, Anger, stillbirthblogger, stillbornstillloved, stillbirthmatters, lifeafterlossblog, Pregnancy after loss, stillbirthbreakthesilence, forevermissed, infantlossawareness, lifeafterloss, surrender, stillbirth, Trust, pregnancyloss, lifeafterlossblogger, newblogpost, stillbirthawareness, suffering, missingyou, trust, loss, postpartum, stillbornbutstillloved, lovingyou, love, weary, lament, achingheart, newlife, confusion, longingheart, trauma, anniversary, infantlosssuppprt, ptsdrecovery, transformation, grievingmother, outofcontrol, beloved, Stillbirth, scars, anxiety, wounded, dreamingofyou, woundsheal, grieving, losingcontrol, anger, life, findingyou, pregnancyafterloss, healing, loving, Explosions, stillborn, infantloss, grief, newpost, foreverloved, Anxiety, running, stillbirthsurvivor, bereavedmother, stillbirthsupportComment
Learning to Surrender
Learning to Surrender

Last night while nursing him, he gave a slight resemblance to you, and I remembered staring down at your face in the hospital room in such disbelief.  No matter how much I willed you to breathe or to move, no matter how much I begged God to change the outcome, I couldn’t change a thing.  I was completely powerless.

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Life after loss, PTSD, Bereaved Mother, Pregnancy after loss, Searching, grief, Stillbirth, Stillbirth Survivor, Love, Stillborn, Trauma, ShameEmma Jameswounded, hope, pregnancyafterloss, survivor, sorrow, newbegginings, woundsheal, foreverloved, postpartum, stillbirthsupport, loss, lifeafterloss, infantloss, lifeafterlossblogger, dreamingofyou, trust, trauma, transformation, stillbirthswareness, Stillbirth, longingheart, Postpartum, stillbirthawareness, suffering, lament, beloved, lovingyou, 38weeks, Pregnancy after loss, newblogpost, achingheart, surrender, stillbirthbreakthesilence, newlife, grief, bereavedmother, stillbornstillloved, newbabyboy, stillborn, lifeafterlossblog, anniversary, missingyou, grievingmother, stillbirthsurvivor, infantlosssuppprt, newpost, stillbirthblogger, confusion, grieving, forevermissed, findingyou, love, stillbornbutstillloved, loving, stillbirthmatters, 11months, stillbirth, healing, life, fear, infantlossawareness, scars, change, waiting, ptsdrecoveryComment
Postpartum Days
Postpartum Days

Being home with your little brother, I’m so very much reminded of those early days at home without   you.   I sit on the sofa, nursing him, holding him tight, gazing at his small frame and features, and I listen to the birds sing outside and dive and dance in and out of our yard.  And I see you, colorless and empty of life, in a cold, dark hospital room.  And I remember how I came home and slept all night, stayed in bed until the afternoon, didn’t eat, and cried every waking hour and in between.  I’m reminded of how my body continued to move on without you...

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Stillbirth, Trauma, Shame, Stillborn, Bereaved Mother, grief, Love, control, Stillbirth Survivor, Life after lossEmma Jameswounds, dreamingofyou, dreams, stillbornstillloved, surrender, survivor, newblogpost, infantlosssuppprt, sorrow, love, thanksgiving, woundsheal, loving, grievingmother, findingyou, confusion, hope, transformation, Pregnancy after loss, newpost, peace, grief, trauma, trust, scars, suffering, lifeafterloss, stillbirthmatters, change, Anger, lovingyou, achingheart, lifeafterlossblog, loss, grieving, newbabyboy, stillbirth, stillbornawareness, stillbornbutstillloved, newlife, longingheart, bereavedmother, anger, wounded, infantlossawareness, shame, Postpartum, Stillbirth, Trust, stillbirthsupport, forevermissed, lifeafterlossblogger, angry, stillbirthsurvivor, infantloss, newbegginings, stillbirthbreakthesilence, stillbirthawareness, lament, stillbirthblogger, foreverloved, weary, belovedComment
11 Months (Revisiting)
11 Months (Revisiting)

I’m a day late, my love. Yesterday, it was 11 months. How have we happened upon one month shy of a full year? 

I know I haven’t written in a while, but so much has been moving and churning within the depths of my heart. It’s almost been too much to articulate admidst the exhaustion of daily life, grief, and pregnancy after loss.  However, I think you know. You’ve witnessed it all.

Eleven months ago, my world came crashing down when I received the most unimaginable news of my life...your heart had stopped beating just two weeks shy of your expected due date.

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Stillborn, grief, Stillbirth, Stillbirth Survivor, Life after loss, Trauma, Pregnancy after loss, Love, Bereaved MotherEmma Jamessurvivor, transformation, stillbirth, newbeginnings, grieving, fighter, newpost, trust, pregnancyafterloss, thankful, reallove, Pregnancy after loss, stillbornbutstillloved, stillbornawareness, loving, stillbirthblogger, forevermissed, longingheart, peace, grievingmother, stillbirthsupport, beloved, hope, love, missingyou, surrender, stillbornstillloved, ptsdrecovery, infantloss, healing, stillbirthmatters, infantlossawareness, stillborn, Stillbirth, bereavedmother, lifeafterlossblogger, foreverloved, suffering, dreamingofyou, woundsheal, Trust, waiting, trauma, stillbirthawareness, newblogpost, loss, lifeafterlossblog, findingyou, stillbirthsurvivor, gratitude, anniversary, stillbirthbreakthesilence, resurrection, infantlosssuppprt, nofearinlove, lifeafterloss, stillbirthswareness, lovingyou, newlife, grief, achingheartComment