Thoughts

There’s a deep ache in me that permeates every fiber of my being. A longing. A stillness. A quiet. It’s incomplete and completely painful. It swallows me whole and consumes my existence. It’s presses hard and captures me. I’m suffocating.

How does my heart keep beating?  How does my life keep going?  When will the longing lessen?  When will it not be so pervading?

A strangle hold around my neck.

I’m scared to move.  Scared to let go. Scared to love. Scared to lose.

I want control. I want peace. I want joy. I want to be free from these chains that shackle me.

Anger. Depression. Anxiety.  Confusion. It’s chaos.

My emotions wage war against me.  My world within swirls in a storm of rage, and my thoughts pull me in every direction.

Am I sinking?  Drowning from the down pour?  Is it taking me under?  Will I survive this?

My endurance is waning. I’m living in a state of exhaustion.  The energy to climb this mountain has been depleted.  I just want her. I want her back. I want to return to May 21, 2017 when she was still alive. If not that day, then to the next so I can just hold her. Just hold her still.

My arms, although they be full, still ache for her. I beg her in the night, in those dark quiet hours, to return to me. To return to my arms heavy with the weight of her body.

I see you, my love. I see you. So beautiful. So tiny. So perfect. You are so wanted. So desperately needed. My life, so incomplete without you in it. A missing piece, my third girl, forever missing. Forever absent. Forever gone. Forever loved.  

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