Posts in Stillbirth
Feeling vs. Wanting
Feeling vs. Wanting

“O soul, steeped in darkness, do not despair. All is not yet lost.  Come and confide in your God, Who is Love and Mercy.”  (St. Faustina) 

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control, Trauma, Shame, Bereaved Mother, Losing control, Stillbirth, abuse, grief, Pregnancy after loss, PTSDEmma Jamesabusesurvivor, stillbirthblogger, weary, wounded, change, bereavedmother, stillbirthsurvivor, loss, abuse, losingcontrol, outofcontrol, scars, achingheart, grief, stillbornbutstillloved, woundsheal, suffering, stillbirthsupport, grieving, fearfactor, survivor, surrender, controlling, newblogpost, stillbirth, running, pregnancyafterloss, newpost, anxiety, lifeafterlossblog, fear, ptsdrecovery, shame, waiting, grievingmother, healing, lament, lifeafterlossblogger, trust, stillbirthmatters, stillbirthawareness, trauma, stillbirthbreakthesilence, Trust, lifeafterlossComment
Slow
Slow

“Love moves slow.” 

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Bereaved Mother, grief, Stillbirth, TraumaEmma Jamesloss, stillbornbutstillloved, newblogpost, grief, wounded, bereavedmother, stillbirthsurvivor, stillbirthmatters, woundsheal, newpost, love, suffering, audreyassad, stillbirthbreakthesilence, newbeginnings, consolation, hope, waiting, 8monthanniversary, stillbirthblogger, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbirthawareness, lifeafterlossblog, grievingmother, achingheart, lifeafterloss, stillbirthsupport, grieving, healingComment
Eight Months
Eight Months

I do not know where I am going.  But I need to go SOMEWHERE. 

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control, Stillbirth, Pregnancy after loss, Bereaved Mother, grief, Losing control, PTSD, TraumaEmma Jamessurrender, anniversary, ptsdrecovery, losingcontrol, wounded, grief, stillbirthawareness, infantloss, bereavedmother, trauma, stillbirthmatters, trust, woundsheal, pregnancyafterloss, infantlosssuppprt, fear, outofcontrol, stillbornbutstillloved, stillbirth, newpost, stillbirthblogger, lifeafterlossblog, lifeafterloss, stillborn, shame, suffering, infantlossawareness, loss, stillbirthsupport, achingheart, lament, grieving, newblogpost, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbirthsurvivor, survivor, stillbirthbreakthesilenceComment
Litany of Trust
Litany of Trust

From refusals and reluctances in accepting your will...

From anxiety about the future...

From resentment or excessive preoccupation with the past...

From restless self-seeking in the present moment...

From the fear of being asked to give more than I have...

From the fear of what Love demands...

Deliver me, Jesus.

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Bereaved Mother, Trauma, Stillbirth, Pregnancy after loss, grief, abuse, controlEmma Jamesconsolation, lifeafterlossblog, fighter, wounded, surrender, hope, stillbirthawareness, scars, survivor, stillbirthsurvivor, pregnancyafterloss, stillbornbutstillloved, infantlossawareness, achingheart, abusesurvivor, loss, stillbirthmatters, newsong, newblogpost, newpost, beloved, lifeafterloss, grieving, infantloss, infantlosssuppprt, Trust, healing, stillbirthsupport, suffering, ptsdrecovery, stillbirth, stillbirthswareness, newbeginnings, stillbirthblogger, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbirthbreakthesilence, life, bereavedmother, grief, transformation, trauma, woundshealComment
New Song
New Song

I am learning who I am.  And who I am is new.  And who I am needs change.  Who I am needs “a new song.” 

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abuse, Stillbirth, PTSD, grief, Trauma, control, Losing control, Pregnancy after loss, Bereaved MotherEmma Jameslifeafterlossblog, scars, trauma, bereavedmother, pregnancyafterloss, stillbirthsupport, fear, grieving, achingheart, stillbirthswareness, stillbirthbreakthesilence, newblogpost, stillbirthmatters, infantloss, stillbirthsurvivor, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbornbutstillloved, abusesurvivor, ptsdrecovery, outofcontrol, healing, newpost, love, lifeafterloss, controlling, woundsheal, losingcontrol, loss, infantlossawareness, surrender, stillbirthblogger, stillbirth, shame, survivor, fighter, wounded, abuse, lament, grief, infantlosssuppprt, hope, stillbirthawareness, stillborn, sufferingComment
Beloved
Beloved

While I was in labor for you, I was told that your vocation is LOVE.  My beloved, I also believe that your vocation is to stir others to love more deeply, more simply, more greatly, and without cost. To love without reserve or condition. To reach out to the broken-hearted and hurting.  To love people where they are and just sit with them in their mess. Their brokenness. Their hurt.  Your love is moving mountains. Your love is moving me.  Your love is changing me.  Your love is teaching me to receive love. To allow myself to be loved. 

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Pregnancy after loss, Stillbirth, grief, Bereaved MotherEmma Jamesgrief, trauma, stillbirthawareness, grieving, thankful, stillbirth, stillborn, stilborn, lament, stillbirthmatters, bereavedmother, lifeafterlossblog, newlife, loss, surrender, stillbornstillloved, survivor, healing, pregnancyafterloss, newblogpost, achingheart, woundsheal, infantlossawareness, suffering, stillbirthsupport, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbirthsurvivor, newpost, stillbornbutstillloved, lifeafterloss, hope, infantloss, gratitude, stillbirthbreakthesilence, infantlosssuppprt, stillbirthbloggerComment
So Long 2017
So Long 2017

As I end this year of 2017, which has undoubtedly been the hardest year of my life, let me remember that good also came from the pain I’ve endured.  You did in fact live.  Your life is the reason for my suffering.  And I have had the honor of being your mother, and bringing you into this world physically, so you could rest forever eternally in heaven.  And I wouldn’t change any of it, if it would mean that you never existed. 

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Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, grief, TraumaEmma Jamesstillborn, stillbirthbreakthesilence, newblogpost, thankful, stillbirthawareness, stillbirthsurvivor, lifeafterlossblog, transformation, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbirthblogger, bereavedmother, gratitude, stillbirthsupport, infantlosssuppprt, pregnancyafterloss, newpost, grief, infantlossawareness, stillbirthmatters, infantloss, lifeafterloss, stillbirth, stillbornbutstillloved, survivor, stilborn, grieving, lossComment
The Hall of Shame
The Hall of Shame

I hated that moment of utter shame, and for some reason my heart is revisiting that space of heartbreak tonight when I felt complete despair and profound confusion.  I hadn’t done anything wrong, and yet, I felt like I was being punished.  I wanted to die in that moment.

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Shame, Bereaved Mother, Stillbirth, Trauma, griefEmma Jamesstillbirthbreakthesilence, ptsdrecovery, infantloss, trauma, bereavedmother, suffering, lifeafterloss, newblogpost, grieving, surrender, stillbirthsupport, loss, lifeafterlossblog, fear, wounded, infantlosssuppprt, achingheart, infantlossawareness, stillbirthawareness, newpost, shame, survivor, lifeafterlossblogger, grief, stillbirthsurvivor, stillbirthmattersComment
A Dwelling Place
A Dwelling Place

I went to the chapel one night, in the throes of my grief.  Visceral memories of her delivery and remembering how I let God into the pain that day entered into my mind and heart.  I felt the pain again.  All of it.  Physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional. 

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Stillbirth, grief, abuse, Bereaved Mother, Pregnancy after loss, control, ShameEmma Jamesfear, thankful, surrender, stillbirth, lifeafterloss, trauma, lifeafterlossblog, controlling, loss, running, grief, hope, survivor, healing, bereavedmother, anniversary, pregnancyafterloss, lifeafterlossblogger, gratitude, shame, suffering, newblogpost, achingheart, transformationComment
Ambushed
Ambushed

Last week I was ambushed.  Under attack.  And I couldn’t escape it.  Couldn’t find my way out. 

My enemy was myself.

My mind.  My thoughts.  My fears.  My anxiety.  I made myself a prisoner.  A slave to irrational behavior, motives, and beliefs.

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Stillbirth, Shame, Pregnancy after loss, Bereaved Mother, Losing control, PTSD, grief, TraumaEmma Jamesshame, newpost, lifeafterlossblogger, infantloss, lifeafterloss, fear, grief, losingcontrol, bereavedmother, stillbirthsurvivor, pregnancyafterloss, newblogpost, suffering, lifeafterlossblog, stillbirthawarenessComment