Posts tagged controlling
Finding You
Finding You

I shut my eyes in hopes of dreaming of you. Of finding you. Of you finding me.

I see you in my mind’s eye, and I speak your name on my heart. It rests on my tongue in a quiet sigh. No sound comes out. It’s stifled. Unreleased.

I wrap my arms around my shoulders, clenching myself tightly. I envision the weight of your small body against mine. Leaning into me. Pressing against me. Delicate arms wrapped tightly around me with your tiny jaw embedded into the nape of my neck.

In the bed. Holding you. Holding me. I need you to hold me.

I miss you so much.

Read More
Stillbirth, control, grief, Stillbirth Survivor, Searching, Losing control, Stillborn, Love, Bereaved Mother, PTSD, Life after loss, MissingEmma Jamesgrievingfamily, stillbirthmatters, lifeafterloss, life, stillbirthsupport, stillbirthblogger, parentingafterloss, grievingmother, stillbreathing, nofearinlove, suffering, longingheart, trauma, healing, bereavedmother, findingyou, transformation, stillbirthawareness, stillbirthsurvivor, newblogpost, sorrow, weary, childloss, stillbirthbreakthesilence, losingcontrol, trust, wounded, surrender, infantlossawareness, control, grievingfather, postpartum, thrive, newnormal, grieving, newlife, lovingyou, dreamingofyou, newpost, achingheart, Bereaved Mother, alwaysmissingyou, lament, heavenmeetsearth, infantloss, scars, ptsd, loss, forevermissed, infantlosssuppprt, wounds, foreverloved, controlling, stillbirth, lifeafterlossblogger, Stillbirth, waiting, longing, stillborn, Exhausted, loving, postpartumdepression, childlossawareness, newbeginnings, stillgrieving, missingyou, stillbornbutstillloved, love, grief, lifeafterlossblog, exhausted, woundshealComment
Feeling vs. Wanting
Feeling vs. Wanting

“O soul, steeped in darkness, do not despair. All is not yet lost.  Come and confide in your God, Who is Love and Mercy.”  (St. Faustina) 

Read More
control, Trauma, Shame, Bereaved Mother, Losing control, Stillbirth, abuse, grief, Pregnancy after loss, PTSDEmma Jamesabusesurvivor, stillbirthblogger, weary, wounded, change, bereavedmother, stillbirthsurvivor, loss, abuse, losingcontrol, outofcontrol, scars, achingheart, grief, stillbornbutstillloved, woundsheal, suffering, stillbirthsupport, grieving, fearfactor, survivor, surrender, controlling, newblogpost, stillbirth, running, pregnancyafterloss, newpost, anxiety, lifeafterlossblog, fear, ptsdrecovery, shame, waiting, grievingmother, healing, lament, lifeafterlossblogger, trust, stillbirthmatters, stillbirthawareness, trauma, stillbirthbreakthesilence, Trust, lifeafterlossComment
New Song
New Song

I am learning who I am.  And who I am is new.  And who I am needs change.  Who I am needs “a new song.” 

Read More
abuse, Stillbirth, PTSD, grief, Trauma, control, Losing control, Pregnancy after loss, Bereaved MotherEmma Jameslifeafterlossblog, scars, trauma, bereavedmother, pregnancyafterloss, stillbirthsupport, fear, grieving, achingheart, stillbirthswareness, stillbirthbreakthesilence, newblogpost, stillbirthmatters, infantloss, stillbirthsurvivor, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbornbutstillloved, abusesurvivor, ptsdrecovery, outofcontrol, healing, newpost, love, lifeafterloss, controlling, woundsheal, losingcontrol, loss, infantlossawareness, surrender, stillbirthblogger, stillbirth, shame, survivor, fighter, wounded, abuse, lament, grief, infantlosssuppprt, hope, stillbirthawareness, stillborn, sufferingComment
A Dwelling Place
A Dwelling Place

I went to the chapel one night, in the throes of my grief.  Visceral memories of her delivery and remembering how I let God into the pain that day entered into my mind and heart.  I felt the pain again.  All of it.  Physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional. 

Read More
Stillbirth, grief, abuse, Bereaved Mother, Pregnancy after loss, control, ShameEmma Jamesfear, thankful, surrender, stillbirth, lifeafterloss, trauma, lifeafterlossblog, controlling, loss, running, grief, hope, survivor, healing, bereavedmother, anniversary, pregnancyafterloss, lifeafterlossblogger, gratitude, shame, suffering, newblogpost, achingheart, transformationComment