Posts in grief
Eight Months
Eight Months

I do not know where I am going.  But I need to go SOMEWHERE. 

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control, Stillbirth, Pregnancy after loss, Bereaved Mother, grief, Losing control, PTSD, TraumaEmma Jamessurrender, anniversary, ptsdrecovery, losingcontrol, wounded, grief, stillbirthawareness, infantloss, bereavedmother, trauma, stillbirthmatters, trust, woundsheal, pregnancyafterloss, infantlosssuppprt, fear, outofcontrol, stillbornbutstillloved, stillbirth, newpost, stillbirthblogger, lifeafterlossblog, lifeafterloss, stillborn, shame, suffering, infantlossawareness, loss, stillbirthsupport, achingheart, lament, grieving, newblogpost, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbirthsurvivor, survivor, stillbirthbreakthesilenceComment
Litany of Trust
Litany of Trust

From refusals and reluctances in accepting your will...

From anxiety about the future...

From resentment or excessive preoccupation with the past...

From restless self-seeking in the present moment...

From the fear of being asked to give more than I have...

From the fear of what Love demands...

Deliver me, Jesus.

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Bereaved Mother, Trauma, Stillbirth, Pregnancy after loss, grief, abuse, controlEmma Jamesconsolation, lifeafterlossblog, fighter, wounded, surrender, hope, stillbirthawareness, scars, survivor, stillbirthsurvivor, pregnancyafterloss, stillbornbutstillloved, infantlossawareness, achingheart, abusesurvivor, loss, stillbirthmatters, newsong, newblogpost, newpost, beloved, lifeafterloss, grieving, infantloss, infantlosssuppprt, Trust, healing, stillbirthsupport, suffering, ptsdrecovery, stillbirth, stillbirthswareness, newbeginnings, stillbirthblogger, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbirthbreakthesilence, life, bereavedmother, grief, transformation, trauma, woundshealComment
New Song
New Song

I am learning who I am.  And who I am is new.  And who I am needs change.  Who I am needs “a new song.” 

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abuse, Stillbirth, PTSD, grief, Trauma, control, Losing control, Pregnancy after loss, Bereaved MotherEmma Jameslifeafterlossblog, scars, trauma, bereavedmother, pregnancyafterloss, stillbirthsupport, fear, grieving, achingheart, stillbirthswareness, stillbirthbreakthesilence, newblogpost, stillbirthmatters, infantloss, stillbirthsurvivor, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbornbutstillloved, abusesurvivor, ptsdrecovery, outofcontrol, healing, newpost, love, lifeafterloss, controlling, woundsheal, losingcontrol, loss, infantlossawareness, surrender, stillbirthblogger, stillbirth, shame, survivor, fighter, wounded, abuse, lament, grief, infantlosssuppprt, hope, stillbirthawareness, stillborn, sufferingComment
Beloved
Beloved

While I was in labor for you, I was told that your vocation is LOVE.  My beloved, I also believe that your vocation is to stir others to love more deeply, more simply, more greatly, and without cost. To love without reserve or condition. To reach out to the broken-hearted and hurting.  To love people where they are and just sit with them in their mess. Their brokenness. Their hurt.  Your love is moving mountains. Your love is moving me.  Your love is changing me.  Your love is teaching me to receive love. To allow myself to be loved. 

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Pregnancy after loss, Stillbirth, grief, Bereaved MotherEmma Jamesgrief, trauma, stillbirthawareness, grieving, thankful, stillbirth, stillborn, stilborn, lament, stillbirthmatters, bereavedmother, lifeafterlossblog, newlife, loss, surrender, stillbornstillloved, survivor, healing, pregnancyafterloss, newblogpost, achingheart, woundsheal, infantlossawareness, suffering, stillbirthsupport, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbirthsurvivor, newpost, stillbornbutstillloved, lifeafterloss, hope, infantloss, gratitude, stillbirthbreakthesilence, infantlosssuppprt, stillbirthbloggerComment
So Long 2017
So Long 2017

As I end this year of 2017, which has undoubtedly been the hardest year of my life, let me remember that good also came from the pain I’ve endured.  You did in fact live.  Your life is the reason for my suffering.  And I have had the honor of being your mother, and bringing you into this world physically, so you could rest forever eternally in heaven.  And I wouldn’t change any of it, if it would mean that you never existed. 

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Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, grief, TraumaEmma Jamesstillborn, stillbirthbreakthesilence, newblogpost, thankful, stillbirthawareness, stillbirthsurvivor, lifeafterlossblog, transformation, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbirthblogger, bereavedmother, gratitude, stillbirthsupport, infantlosssuppprt, pregnancyafterloss, newpost, grief, infantlossawareness, stillbirthmatters, infantloss, lifeafterloss, stillbirth, stillbornbutstillloved, survivor, stilborn, grieving, lossComment
The Hall of Shame
The Hall of Shame

I hated that moment of utter shame, and for some reason my heart is revisiting that space of heartbreak tonight when I felt complete despair and profound confusion.  I hadn’t done anything wrong, and yet, I felt like I was being punished.  I wanted to die in that moment.

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Shame, Bereaved Mother, Stillbirth, Trauma, griefEmma Jamesstillbirthbreakthesilence, ptsdrecovery, infantloss, trauma, bereavedmother, suffering, lifeafterloss, newblogpost, grieving, surrender, stillbirthsupport, loss, lifeafterlossblog, fear, wounded, infantlosssuppprt, achingheart, infantlossawareness, stillbirthawareness, newpost, shame, survivor, lifeafterlossblogger, grief, stillbirthsurvivor, stillbirthmattersComment
A Dwelling Place
A Dwelling Place

I went to the chapel one night, in the throes of my grief.  Visceral memories of her delivery and remembering how I let God into the pain that day entered into my mind and heart.  I felt the pain again.  All of it.  Physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional. 

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Stillbirth, grief, abuse, Bereaved Mother, Pregnancy after loss, control, ShameEmma Jamesfear, thankful, surrender, stillbirth, lifeafterloss, trauma, lifeafterlossblog, controlling, loss, running, grief, hope, survivor, healing, bereavedmother, anniversary, pregnancyafterloss, lifeafterlossblogger, gratitude, shame, suffering, newblogpost, achingheart, transformationComment
Ambushed
Ambushed

Last week I was ambushed.  Under attack.  And I couldn’t escape it.  Couldn’t find my way out. 

My enemy was myself.

My mind.  My thoughts.  My fears.  My anxiety.  I made myself a prisoner.  A slave to irrational behavior, motives, and beliefs.

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Stillbirth, Shame, Pregnancy after loss, Bereaved Mother, Losing control, PTSD, grief, TraumaEmma Jamesshame, newpost, lifeafterlossblogger, infantloss, lifeafterloss, fear, grief, losingcontrol, bereavedmother, stillbirthsurvivor, pregnancyafterloss, newblogpost, suffering, lifeafterlossblog, stillbirthawarenessComment
An Ocean of Grief
An Ocean of Grief

Grief, like the currents of an ocean, is unexpected. At one moment, all is calm and peaceful. Then without any warning, it becomes heavy, damaging, dangerous, uncontrollable, and life threatening. But no matter it’s state of motion, the ocean is ALWAYS beautiful. Even when it’s terrifying, and you are too timid to enter in...  Not sure of what’s lurking under.  Not sure of what’s coming next.  Not sure if you will be able to keep your head above the water. Not sure if it might take you under and cause you to drown.  Not sure if you will end up ALONE. 

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griefEmma Jamesgrief, grieving, stillbirth, lossComment
Butterfly Kisses
Butterfly Kisses

So is that why she sends us butterflies?  To remind us that she is not dead?  That she has experienced resurrection through the reward of eternal life?  That she wants me to patiently wait in the darkness of the cocoon so I can see for myself that this “scarred heart really does have wings?”  That God wants to take my wounds and cause beauty to rise from these ashes?  That she and my Heavenly Father know that there is new life for me ahead?  A healing I cannot imagine?  That there is hope to be found?  If I can just hang on?

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griefEmma Jamesstillbirth, stillborn, grief, grieving, loss, healingComment
A Flicker
A Flicker

Today, I feel a flicker of light within me.  It’s burning and brimming in a dark place hidden in the depths of my soul. And it’s begging to burn out of control into an all consuming fire.    It wants to be seen. To be recognized. To be validated. For it’s presence to be allowed to shine out of me and onto my surroundings. Its a flicker of joy. 

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griefEmma Jamesgrief, grieving, stillbirth, stillborn, healing, hopeComment
Timelines
Timelines

A week won’t make it better. A month doesn’t even touch it.  And each day following doesn’t lessen its presence. And sadly, almost six months into it, the walls which once supported you will begin to fall and break away.  Then, you are left alone. Exposed. Ashamed. Broken. With your heart in your hands and your head bowed low wondering, “Will no one comfort me in my misery?” 

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griefEmma Jamesstillbirth, stillborn, loss, grief, grieving Comments