A Dwelling Place
A Dwelling Place

I went to the chapel one night, in the throes of my grief.  Visceral memories of her delivery and remembering how I let God into the pain that day entered into my mind and heart.  I felt the pain again.  All of it.  Physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional. 

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Ambushed
Ambushed

Last week I was ambushed.  Under attack.  And I couldn’t escape it.  Couldn’t find my way out. 

My enemy was myself.

My mind.  My thoughts.  My fears.  My anxiety.  I made myself a prisoner.  A slave to irrational behavior, motives, and beliefs.

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Waking Up
Waking Up

I didn’t want to sleep, because I didn’t want to awake and realize that this wasn’t all a terribly bad dream...for my life and for her life.  That in our waking moments, we live a nightmare that we will never awake from.  

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Running
Running

So I run.  And I look back.  Because I wonder if I can out run reality...but it’s catching me.  This little girl sees it.  And she’s terrified. 

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Weeks
Weeks

I’m in a strange space, my love.  Time is doing something to me, and I can’t quite figure it out.

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An Ocean of Grief
An Ocean of Grief

Grief, like the currents of an ocean, is unexpected. At one moment, all is calm and peaceful. Then without any warning, it becomes heavy, damaging, dangerous, uncontrollable, and life threatening. But no matter it’s state of motion, the ocean is ALWAYS beautiful. Even when it’s terrifying, and you are too timid to enter in...  Not sure of what’s lurking under.  Not sure of what’s coming next.  Not sure if you will be able to keep your head above the water. Not sure if it might take you under and cause you to drown.  Not sure if you will end up ALONE. 

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Butterfly Kisses
Butterfly Kisses

So is that why she sends us butterflies?  To remind us that she is not dead?  That she has experienced resurrection through the reward of eternal life?  That she wants me to patiently wait in the darkness of the cocoon so I can see for myself that this “scarred heart really does have wings?”  That God wants to take my wounds and cause beauty to rise from these ashes?  That she and my Heavenly Father know that there is new life for me ahead?  A healing I cannot imagine?  That there is hope to be found?  If I can just hang on?

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A Flicker
A Flicker

Today, I feel a flicker of light within me.  It’s burning and brimming in a dark place hidden in the depths of my soul. And it’s begging to burn out of control into an all consuming fire.    It wants to be seen. To be recognized. To be validated. For it’s presence to be allowed to shine out of me and onto my surroundings. Its a flicker of joy. 

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Waiting
Waiting

How do I “stay still in this circle of waiting?”  I feel trapped. This “cocoon” is suffocating.  All I want to do is escape. I’m TIRED of waiting. I want answers. And control. And for none of this to have ever happened. 

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Timelines
Timelines

A week won’t make it better. A month doesn’t even touch it.  And each day following doesn’t lessen its presence. And sadly, almost six months into it, the walls which once supported you will begin to fall and break away.  Then, you are left alone. Exposed. Ashamed. Broken. With your heart in your hands and your head bowed low wondering, “Will no one comfort me in my misery?” 

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