11 Months (Revisiting)
11 Months (Revisiting)

I’m a day late, my love. Yesterday, it was 11 months. How have we happened upon one month shy of a full year? 

I know I haven’t written in a while, but so much has been moving and churning within the depths of my heart. It’s almost been too much to articulate admidst the exhaustion of daily life, grief, and pregnancy after loss.  However, I think you know. You’ve witnessed it all.

Eleven months ago, my world came crashing down when I received the most unimaginable news of my life...your heart had stopped beating just two weeks shy of your expected due date.

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Stillborn, grief, Stillbirth, Stillbirth Survivor, Life after loss, Trauma, Pregnancy after loss, Love, Bereaved MotherEmma Jamessurvivor, transformation, stillbirth, newbeginnings, grieving, fighter, newpost, trust, pregnancyafterloss, thankful, reallove, Pregnancy after loss, stillbornbutstillloved, stillbornawareness, loving, stillbirthblogger, forevermissed, longingheart, peace, grievingmother, stillbirthsupport, beloved, hope, love, missingyou, surrender, stillbornstillloved, ptsdrecovery, infantloss, healing, stillbirthmatters, infantlossawareness, stillborn, Stillbirth, bereavedmother, lifeafterlossblogger, foreverloved, suffering, dreamingofyou, woundsheal, Trust, waiting, trauma, stillbirthawareness, newblogpost, loss, lifeafterlossblog, findingyou, stillbirthsurvivor, gratitude, anniversary, stillbirthbreakthesilence, resurrection, infantlosssuppprt, nofearinlove, lifeafterloss, stillbirthswareness, lovingyou, newlife, grief, achingheartComment
Breathe You In
Breathe You In

 Heart of my heart

And

Flesh of my flesh.

I want to breathe you in

With my very breath. 

Draw you close to me

Near to my heart. 

Cling to you tightly, 

Never to depart.

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Love, grief, Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, Stillbirth Survivor, Searching, Trauma, Life after loss, StillbornEmma Jamesbereavedmother, waiting, stillbornstillloved, newpost, stillbirth, lovingyou, lifeafterloss, woundsheal, weary, infantlosssuppprt, loving, stillbornbutstillloved, lifeafterlossblogger, lament, lifeafterlossblog, stillbornawareness, prayer, grievingmother, stillbirthmatters, survivor, sorrow, stillbirthawareness, love, suffering, grief, stillbirthblogger, grieving, stillbirthbreakthesilence, infantlossawareness, achingheart, Stillbirth, wounds, infantloss, stillborn, newblogpost, stillbirthsurvivor, stillbirthsupport, wounded, loss, findingyouComment
Dreaming
Dreaming

Sometimes I like to sit and dream.  I like to dream that I’m living in an alternate reality. I allow my imagination to run wild and replay events of everyday life, which have you in them.

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Love, Bereaved Mother, Searching, Stillbirth, grief, Stillborn, Life after loss, Pregnancy after loss, Stillbirth SurvivorEmma Jamesthankful, lifeafterlossblogger, reallove, infantlosssuppprt, stillbirthawareness, lifeafterloss, foreverloved, grievingmother, loss, stillbirth, Pregnancy after loss, healing, bereavedmother, newpost, stillborn, thanksgiving, stillbirthsupport, beloved, loving, achingheart, findingyou, stillbirthblogger, newblogpost, stillbirthmatters, stillbirthbreakthesilence, infantlossawareness, Trust, Stillbirth, grieving, forevermissed, stillbornawareness, suffering, lifeafterlossblog, pregnancyafterloss, stillbirthsurvivor, lovingyou, stillbornstillloved, transformation, grief, stillbornbutstillloved, love, hope, infantlossComment
Erupting
Erupting

My anger hasn’t been lying dormant by any means, but recently it has been making its way to the surface in bouts of explosions and eruptions.  And today is no different.  Can I make excuses for myself?

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Shame, PTSD, Pregnancy after loss, Life after loss, Stillborn, Trauma, Stillbirth, Losing control, Bereaved Mother, grief, Stillbirth Survivor, controlEmma JamesAnxiety, stillbirthawareness, Stillbirth, ptsdrecovery, Anger, Pregnancy after loss, bereavedmother, fear, Explosions, griefComment
Divided
Divided

That night, at mass, the message of surrender.  Giving it all to God.  Living with open hands.  Wanting God more than anything.  The story of Abraham, willing to sacrifice his son for love of God...I felt ashamed.  Because in the midst of all of this, if I had a choice, if I could go back in time, if I could write this story’s ending...I wouldn’t choose loss.  I wouldn’t choose your death.  I wouldn’t choose sacrifice, or this cross, or this grief.  I would choose to be your Mom this side of heaven.  The words of our pastor carved into me, and I thought I might bleed out, but I didn’t want to release my emotions. I swallowed them down hard and pretended to be unbothered.  I was convicted, but not convinced.  I was divided.

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grief, Trauma, Pregnancy after loss, Shame, Stillborn, Searching, control, Stillbirth, Losing control, Love, PTSD, Stillbirth Survivor, Bereaved Mother, Life after lossEmma Jamessorrow, weary, grief, stillbornstillloved, infantloss, anniversary, scars, running, anxiety, transformation, newpost, stillbornawareness, stillbirthsupport, stillbirthawareness, forevermissed, time, lifeafterlossblog, newblogpost, surrender, healing, 9monthanniversary, stillbirthbreakthesilence, wounds, shame, losingcontrol, gratitude, wounded, nofearinlove, prayer, grievingmother, survivor, achingheart, outofcontrol, foreverloved, stillborn, stillbirthsurvivor, woundsheal, stillbirthmatters, suffering, infantlosssuppprt, findingyou, loss, bereavedmother, stillbirth, tabernacle, love, confusion, trauma, infantlossawareness, lifeafterloss, hope, Trust, ptsdrecovery, grieving, waiting, stillbirthblogger, secretplace, stillbitter, lament, trust, fear, pregnancyafterloss, stillbornbutstillloved, lifeafterlossblogger, control, lovingyou, loving, thankful, changeComment
Parallel Lines
Parallel Lines

My heart knows that if it is truly God’s will, then I may indeed lose again.  And I’m struggling to live in a state of acceptance with that truth.  Because right now, I want what I want to be what He wants.  And I want to understand.  To see the bigger picture.  And how this journey ends. 

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Stillbirth, Bereaved Mother, Trauma, Stillborn, Stillbirth Survivor, grief, Losing control, Life after loss, Pregnancy after loss, PTSDEmma Jameslove, surrender, stillbirth, infantlossawareness, grievingmother, stillbirthblogger, control, stillbornbutstillloved, achingheart, bereavedmother, waiting, woundsheal, beloved, lifeafterlossblog, survivor, stillbirthawareness, wounds, stillbirthmatters, infantloss, stillbirthbreakthesilence, loving, stillborn, stillbornstillloved, newlife, lifeafterloss, confusion, grieving, suffering, stillbirthsurvivor, reallove, anxiety, stillbornawareness, newpost, foreverloved, anniversary, forevermissed, newbeginnings, fear, Trust, lifeafterlossblogger, wounded, scars, loss, trauma, healing, infantlosssuppprt, newblogpost, shame, grief, pregnancyafterloss, transformation, trust, hope, outofcontrol, stillbirthsupportComment
No Fear in Love
No Fear in Love

I am learning that your love is molding me and shaping me into someone new.  That the old me is a discarded shell, and that’s simply okay.  I’m learning that loving you came with a cost, but I would never change it. 

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Stillbirth Survivor, Bereaved Mother, Losing control, Trauma, Stillbirth, Life after loss, grief, Love, PTSD, Stillborn, Searching, Pregnancy after lossEmma Jameswaiting, love, stillbirthblogger, wounded, stillbornawareness, ptsdrecovery, suffering, scars, stillbirthawareness, stillbirthmatters, infantloss, life, survivor, grievingmother, loss, findingyou, trust, sorrow, stillbornbutstillloved, lifeafterlossblog, stillbornstillloved, wounds, grief, newblogpost, transformation, surrender, bereavedmother, infantlosssuppprt, infantlossawareness, stillbirthsurvivor, woundsheal, pregnancyafterloss, beloved, stillborn, newpost, stillbirthbreakthesilence, lifeafterlossblogger, hope, grieving, forevermissed, stillbirthsupport, stillbirth, foreverloved, healing, lifeafterloss, traumaComment
Watching Life Unfold
Watching Life Unfold

How is it that you’ve been gone for as long as you were with me?  From 38 weeks of growing you, to 38 weeks of life without you.

Time looks so differently.

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Pregnancy after loss, Bereaved Mother, Stillbirth Survivor, PTSD, Stillbirth, grief, control, Stillborn, Life after loss, Searching, Losing control, TraumaEmma Jamesstillbirthmatters, infantlosssuppprt, stillbirthblogger, infantloss, confusion, running, stillbirth, fear, newpost, weary, stillborn, trust, stillbirthsupport, bereavedmother, loss, sorrow, lifeafterloss, Trust, losingcontrol, newblogpost, lifeafterlossblogger, lament, stillbornstillloved, anniversary, infantlossawareness, grief, surrender, hope, woundsheal, shame, lifeafterlossblog, stillbirthsurvivor, stillbirthawareness, grieving, outofcontrol, suffering, trauma, pregnancyafterloss, grievingmother, wounded, findingyou, love, achingheart, stillbornbutstillloved, stillbirthbreakthesilence, fighter, time, wounds, healingComment
My First Born
My First Born

How could I have ever imagined the journey that motherhood would take me?  11 years, 3 months, 13 days, and almost 12 hours later from that moment, I would be holding you.

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Bereaved Mother, Life after loss, Pregnancy after loss, Stillbirth, Trauma, grief, Stillbirth Survivor, StillbornEmma Jamesstillbirthsupport, stillbornbutstillloved, grief, lifeafterlossblog, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbirth, newblogpost, stillbirthawareness, infantlosssuppprt, infantloss, newpost, stillbirthsurvivor, stillbornawareness, wounded, bereavedmother, stillborn, infantlossawareness, pregnancyafterloss, stillbirthbreakthesilence, stillbirthmatters, suffering, stillbirthblogger, woundsheal, stillbornstillloved, grievingmother, wounds, lifeafterloss, waiting, grievingComment
Finding You
Finding You

When I stepped outside the front door this afternoon, I walked half way down the sidewalk, then turned around.  Do I really want to go? YES.  I do.  I knew I needed to find you.

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Life after loss, Stillbirth Survivor, Stillborn, Trauma, Stillbirth, grief, Pregnancy after loss, SearchingEmma Jamesgrieving, grief, infantloss, stillbirth, stillbirthsurvivor, infantlossawareness, stillbirthmatters, lifeafterlossblog, surrender, survivor, pregnancyafterloss, stillbornstillloved, time, stillbornawareness, infantlosssuppprt, waiting, stillbirthsupport, stillbornbutstillloved, lifeafterloss, grievingmother, suffering, healing, loss, wounded, stillbirthblogger, beloved, thankful, newlife, sorrow, woundsheal, stillborn, stillbirthawareness, wounds, bereavedmother, lifeafterlossblogger, hope, stillbirthbreakthesilence, newblogpostComment
The Secret Place
The Secret Place

You know me inside out. You know what I can’t comprehend or articulate.You know me. Let me know who I am. Let me know you. 

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Shame, abuse, Losing control, Bereaved Mother, Trauma, grief, PTSD, Stillbirth, Pregnancy after loss, controlEmma Jamesgrieving, stillbirthblogger, stillbirthsupport, lament, achingheart, newpost, stillbirthsurvivor, stillbornbutstillloved, lifeafterlossblog, wounded, newblogpost, surrender, running, grievingmother, losingcontrol, anxiety, Trust, stillbirth, waiting, trauma, woundsheal, stillbirthbreakthesilence, weary, survivor, trust, bereavedmother, outofcontrol, scars, lifeafterloss, pregnancyafterloss, shame, ptsdrecovery, fear, lifeafterlossblogger, grief, stillbirthawareness, stillbirthmatters, abusesurvivor, suffering Comment
Feeling vs. Wanting
Feeling vs. Wanting

“O soul, steeped in darkness, do not despair. All is not yet lost.  Come and confide in your God, Who is Love and Mercy.”  (St. Faustina) 

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control, Trauma, Shame, Bereaved Mother, Losing control, Stillbirth, abuse, grief, Pregnancy after loss, PTSDEmma Jamesabusesurvivor, stillbirthblogger, weary, wounded, change, bereavedmother, stillbirthsurvivor, loss, abuse, losingcontrol, outofcontrol, scars, achingheart, grief, stillbornbutstillloved, woundsheal, suffering, stillbirthsupport, grieving, fearfactor, survivor, surrender, controlling, newblogpost, stillbirth, running, pregnancyafterloss, newpost, anxiety, lifeafterlossblog, fear, ptsdrecovery, shame, waiting, grievingmother, healing, lament, lifeafterlossblogger, trust, stillbirthmatters, stillbirthawareness, trauma, stillbirthbreakthesilence, Trust, lifeafterlossComment
Slow
Slow

“Love moves slow.” 

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Bereaved Mother, grief, Stillbirth, TraumaEmma Jamesloss, stillbornbutstillloved, newblogpost, grief, wounded, bereavedmother, stillbirthsurvivor, stillbirthmatters, woundsheal, newpost, love, suffering, audreyassad, stillbirthbreakthesilence, newbeginnings, consolation, hope, waiting, 8monthanniversary, stillbirthblogger, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbirthawareness, lifeafterlossblog, grievingmother, achingheart, lifeafterloss, stillbirthsupport, grieving, healingComment
Eight Months
Eight Months

I do not know where I am going.  But I need to go SOMEWHERE. 

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control, Stillbirth, Pregnancy after loss, Bereaved Mother, grief, Losing control, PTSD, TraumaEmma Jamessurrender, anniversary, ptsdrecovery, losingcontrol, wounded, grief, stillbirthawareness, infantloss, bereavedmother, trauma, stillbirthmatters, trust, woundsheal, pregnancyafterloss, infantlosssuppprt, fear, outofcontrol, stillbornbutstillloved, stillbirth, newpost, stillbirthblogger, lifeafterlossblog, lifeafterloss, stillborn, shame, suffering, infantlossawareness, loss, stillbirthsupport, achingheart, lament, grieving, newblogpost, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbirthsurvivor, survivor, stillbirthbreakthesilenceComment
A Letter to Your Little Brother
A Letter to Your Little Brother

My little baby boy, I’m overcome tonight. Overcome with a deep and intense love for you. It’s all consuming.

Yes, I have given myself permission. Permission to love you fiercely. Permission to love you freely. Permission to love you without fear or reserve.

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Emma JamesComment
Litany of Trust
Litany of Trust

From refusals and reluctances in accepting your will...

From anxiety about the future...

From resentment or excessive preoccupation with the past...

From restless self-seeking in the present moment...

From the fear of being asked to give more than I have...

From the fear of what Love demands...

Deliver me, Jesus.

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Bereaved Mother, Trauma, Stillbirth, Pregnancy after loss, grief, abuse, controlEmma Jamesconsolation, lifeafterlossblog, fighter, wounded, surrender, hope, stillbirthawareness, scars, survivor, stillbirthsurvivor, pregnancyafterloss, stillbornbutstillloved, infantlossawareness, achingheart, abusesurvivor, loss, stillbirthmatters, newsong, newblogpost, newpost, beloved, lifeafterloss, grieving, infantloss, infantlosssuppprt, Trust, healing, stillbirthsupport, suffering, ptsdrecovery, stillbirth, stillbirthswareness, newbeginnings, stillbirthblogger, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbirthbreakthesilence, life, bereavedmother, grief, transformation, trauma, woundshealComment
New Song
New Song

I am learning who I am.  And who I am is new.  And who I am needs change.  Who I am needs “a new song.” 

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abuse, Stillbirth, PTSD, grief, Trauma, control, Losing control, Pregnancy after loss, Bereaved MotherEmma Jameslifeafterlossblog, scars, trauma, bereavedmother, pregnancyafterloss, stillbirthsupport, fear, grieving, achingheart, stillbirthswareness, stillbirthbreakthesilence, newblogpost, stillbirthmatters, infantloss, stillbirthsurvivor, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbornbutstillloved, abusesurvivor, ptsdrecovery, outofcontrol, healing, newpost, love, lifeafterloss, controlling, woundsheal, losingcontrol, loss, infantlossawareness, surrender, stillbirthblogger, stillbirth, shame, survivor, fighter, wounded, abuse, lament, grief, infantlosssuppprt, hope, stillbirthawareness, stillborn, sufferingComment
Beloved
Beloved

While I was in labor for you, I was told that your vocation is LOVE.  My beloved, I also believe that your vocation is to stir others to love more deeply, more simply, more greatly, and without cost. To love without reserve or condition. To reach out to the broken-hearted and hurting.  To love people where they are and just sit with them in their mess. Their brokenness. Their hurt.  Your love is moving mountains. Your love is moving me.  Your love is changing me.  Your love is teaching me to receive love. To allow myself to be loved. 

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Pregnancy after loss, Stillbirth, grief, Bereaved MotherEmma Jamesgrief, trauma, stillbirthawareness, grieving, thankful, stillbirth, stillborn, stilborn, lament, stillbirthmatters, bereavedmother, lifeafterlossblog, newlife, loss, surrender, stillbornstillloved, survivor, healing, pregnancyafterloss, newblogpost, achingheart, woundsheal, infantlossawareness, suffering, stillbirthsupport, lifeafterlossblogger, stillbirthsurvivor, newpost, stillbornbutstillloved, lifeafterloss, hope, infantloss, gratitude, stillbirthbreakthesilence, infantlosssuppprt, stillbirthbloggerComment
So Long 2017
So Long 2017

As I end this year of 2017, which has undoubtedly been the hardest year of my life, let me remember that good also came from the pain I’ve endured.  You did in fact live.  Your life is the reason for my suffering.  And I have had the honor of being your mother, and bringing you into this world physically, so you could rest forever eternally in heaven.  And I wouldn’t change any of it, if it would mean that you never existed. 

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The Hall of Shame
The Hall of Shame

I hated that moment of utter shame, and for some reason my heart is revisiting that space of heartbreak tonight when I felt complete despair and profound confusion.  I hadn’t done anything wrong, and yet, I felt like I was being punished.  I wanted to die in that moment.

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